Dissident
by cbrammer
Summary: Ashley realizes what life could have been like had she made different choices.
1. Chapter 1

**Dissident: Chapter One**

The sleek black limousine slowly inches toward the curb as a rowdy group of people challenge it's forward progress. It's back-seat occupant unfazed, stares intently at the screen of her Blackberry through over-sized dark sunglasses. Her perfectly manicured finger scrolls through her digitalized calendar to find the invite for her next meeting. The request that has brought her to this pricey loft that she calls home, yet feels to her, more like an upscale hotel.

Locating the invite, she presses the tiny ball beneath her finger to read the details of the meeting once again. An interview like any other interview. But a journalist like no other journalist. Spencer Carlin, SPIN magazine.

The slender brunette barely swallows, before locking her phone and slipping it in her purse. It's only at this time that her senses become aware of the commotion outside of the vehicle. She straightens her sunglasses and primps her curly brown hair, anticipating her driver's next move. Moments later, the door opens by the familiar chauffeur and she waits for her bodyguard to exit the vehicle first. The muscular man shouts "Back. Get Back!" and extends his hand backward for her to latch onto. This never gets old for the famous musician. As her her expensive cherry red, three inch heels hit the sidewalk, she hears the echos of shutters and is blinded by incessant flashes.

"Ashley!" Flash. "Ashley Davies!" Flash, Click. Flash, Flash, Click.

On a normal day, she would stop and chat with the paparazzi and fans. After all, they provide her with massive amounts of love and adoration. (And an occasional beautiful woman to get to know intimately.) But today is not a normal day. Today, is in fact, a very unusual day. It has been seven years since she last spoke with a certain blonde haired, blue eyed girl. And on this day, they were about to reunite.

As her body is tugged toward the building's entrance, she allows herself a fleeting moment to wonder why she accepted this interview request. Even though it had been a little over a month that she given her manager the "OK", she hadn't really gave it any amount of thought until now.

As she reaches the entrance, she turns around and removes her sunglasses in a skillfully practiced way. A thousand dollar smile and a million dollar nose wrinkle is gifted to the crowd before she latches her shades to the neck of her skin-tight black shirt. She waves as she walks backward into the building, knowing they will use that shot. She is good to them, and the paparazzi repays her with great photos in their magazines. It's all business.

"You coming?"

Ashley turns around and meets the eyes of her handsome escort with a smirk. "If I'm lucky."

--

As she enters the foyer of her loft, she finds her usual people milling about on cell phones. Removing her jean jacket and placing it into her bodyguard's hands, she walks past them and into her living room. She instantly notices the large lights bathing her black leather couches in a manufactured glow. There are men fiddling with cameras and a woman emptying a box of makeup onto her glass coffee table. All so natural for the nine hundred and twenty five thousandth interview she has done. Only one thing is different.

Ashley confidently makes her way to the couch and gives the makeup artist a polite smile before sitting down. She leans back, folding her arms over her chest, and raises one leg to rest over it's pair. The first time she catches a glimpse of her past is as the woman in front of her tips her chin slightly upward to expertly brush powder to her jaw line. The musician sneeks a glance over her paid beautician's shoulder; curiosity getting the best of her. For two seconds, she sees her ex girlfriend's ducked head. Probably going over her questions, she guesses. The woman works the singer's eyeliner, pretending not to notice her subtle glances at the blonde behind her.

Ashley briefly wonders why she didn't say hello to the journalist before she sat down. That is what is generally customary for these interviews. Only then does she regret accepting this particular request, realizing the subconscious reason for it: This is awkward.

"Spencer? You look amazing! Come here."

Spencer isn't shocked to see Aiden. She had done her research, as any professional journalist would do. But the fact that he was Ashley's bodyguard wasn't discovered by investigating the details of her ex girlfriend's current life, however. No. She had known that for quite some time, as she had followed Ashley's career through various magazines and tabloids over the years. It was just a habit she couldn't break.

At first, she was excited for her then-girlfriend, making sure to buy every publication that even barely mentioned her rising star. It was completely dorky, she knew, but Spencer kept a scrap book with all the clippings and photos, knowing one day they would turn those filled pages together and reminisce about the beginning. But she was wrong about that. Ashley never found out about the book. And the likelihood of them turning any type of page together was only something Spencer could hope to come in another lifetime.

She stands, after placing her yellow college-ruled notebook on the coffee table, and allows herself to be enveloped into a hug. "It's good to see you", she mumbles half-heartedly into his chest.

Already, she is feeling the lack of professionalism she had hoped to maintain. She would never have initiated a meeting with her ex girlfriend out of her own free will. She internally curses herself for having too much to drink at that last company Christmas party. It was the six glasses of wine that had her arguing with co-workers about Ashley Davies. She was simply tired of the constant gushing and praise about the celebrity. After all, how wonderful can someone who breaks promises be? Spencer's inhibitions were in another country entirely as she recapped her relationship with the gorgeous heart breaker. The boss, who had overheard everything, immediately tasked her with getting an interview with the girl. She couldn't argue. It's all business.

Ashley diverts her attention back to the breasts of the woman making her beautiful. Or more beautiful, anyway. She had only briefly glanced over to watch the display of affection between her past and present.

For a moment, she tries to remember why her and Spencer broke up.

The makeup artist packs her supplies while Spencer and Aiden make small talk. Uninterested, Ashley leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees and plays with the jewelry on her fingers. She can't recall the reason they separated. It doesn't frustrate her, she just thinks it takes too much effort.

"So are we going to start anytime soon?" It doesn't come out with an attitude. Ashley Davies doesn't do attitude. Always the polite and amicable musician to appease the masses. Her question sounds so sweet that it makes Spencer have to conceal her eye roll before reclaiming her seat.

When the journalist looks up and locks eyes with the celebrity for the first time in seven years, she has to force a smile that she can only hope looks sincere. And when the musician looks up and locks eyes with her ex girlfriend; she notices.

Spencer clears her throat and unconsciously flips through her notepad. "Miss Davies-"

"Ashley", the brunette interrupts.

If she could get herself together, the blonde would thank the lord she no longer believed in. "Huh?"

Amused, Ashley relaxes back into the sofa. "Spence, you don't have to be so professional. We're all friends here."

Spencer would roll her eyes again, only she knows that there is no way to hide it with the beautiful woman staring at her the way she is now. Friends? Spence? She thinks it's sick how fake Ashley is and wonders what she ever saw in her to begin with. "Right. Friends." Spencer leans over and presses play on the small recorder she had set up on the table. "Thank you for agreeing to the interview, Ashley." She flips through her notepad again before laying it on the sofa next to her.

Ashley notices the immediate change from fidgety Spencer to work Spencer and shrugs. "Anytime."

Prior to the interview, Spencer had been prepped with acceptable topics to cover. Ashley's publicist was definitely interested in maintaining the musician's excellent reputation. So after thirty minutes of boring questions that had been asked and answered in every music magazine already, the brave journalist decided to throw caution to the wind. "So Ashley. Can you talk about what it was like for you in the beginning? Just starting your music career. Any influences? Muses? Anyone supporting you along the way?" OK, so Spencer was a little bit disappointed in herself. Her present line of questioning sounded as by-the-book as you could get. But at least she could feel good about the hidden meaning behind it all.

Ashley regards Spencer for several seconds before answering. "It was amazing." Flashing her thousand dollar smile, she continues. "My father's manager asked me to do a tribute album with my sister." She looks down for a moment, remembering how that didn't turn out so well when she found out during a live performance that Kyla couldn't actually sing. "But she wasn't interested in a singing career." She lied, even knowing the blonde interviewer could possibly call her out on it. "And that just presented me with the opportunity to work solo."

Spencer caught the lie. She wouldn't pressure her about it because she understood. She was there. She helped Ashley through that rough spell and convinced her to continue her dream of becoming a singer. "And support?"

The musician was not ignorant to Spencer's question. But this was her job. She has been doing it for years. Maybe if they were out in a bar having drinks and being social, she could admit that her only real support at the time came from the woman who sat on the couch in front of her. But in this setting, there was protocol. "Of course." She wonders only for a second if her response will hurt Spencer's feelings. "Aiden has been my best friend since we were in high school. He's always been there for me. He supported me then and supports me now." She pauses to smile sweetly at Aiden before she jokes. "As my super protective bodyguard." He really has always there for her.

Spencer can't contain the frown that forms in her features. She doesn't know what she had expected as an answer, but to have Ashley say that the one person who was a constant obstacle in their relationship, was the one who was always there for her... Well it just felt like she was being betrayed all over again. That she was choosing him over her. And to make matters worse, she didn't understand why she even cared anymore. She was over Ashley. Completely and entirely over her. "Thank you for your honesty, Ashley." She reaches over to stop the recorder. "And thanks again for meeting with me." She stands and walks out of the living room in a hurry.

Aiden look at Ashley with furrowed eyebrows after watching Spencer leave the room. They communicate silently before the petite brunette sighs heavily and jogs to her foyer. "Spence, wait."

"I've gotta go." Spencer removes her jacket from the silver hook by the door without looking back at her ex girlfriend. "Important... business to do." She struggles to find some excuse to get the hell out of there. From nicknames she hadn't let anyone call her for seven years. From a nickname she just let Ashley use twice in less than an hour.

"We should hang out sometime. You know... not business." Ashley jokes somewhat seductively. She can't help it. Spencer was always sexy as hell. And like fine wine, has only gotten better with age.

This time, Spencer turns to the brunette and purposely displays, what she is sure to be, the biggest eye roll of all time. Some things never change. Flirty Ashley always comes out to play at some point. "Is that a promise?"

And because Ashley doesn't really remember broken promises, she offers a single confident nod and says "Sure."

--

"Noooo. I don't want to go to San Francisco." Ashley whines into the Blackberry that rests between her face and her shoulder. "You can't make me."

She tosses the throw pillows off her bed and pulls back the covers. "Any excuse for lesbian jokes, right?" She can't keep the sarcasm at bay as she grabs her phone with one hand and settles into bed. "I have fans other places too. Lesbians are everywhere."

"Fine." She pulls the sheets over her body and turns on her side, burying her head into her pillow. "But what fun is it to be a superstar if I don't get to have control over where I go?"

She sighs. "You're whipped. And I'm going to get some beauty sleep." Looking at the alarm clock flashing 12:00 a.m., Ashley is not surprised that it isn't set. She travels so much and is rarely home. She guesses that there must have been a power outage at some point. "See you tomorrow."

The line goes silent and she places the phone on her nightstand. Going to San Francisco with Aiden for the billionth time in a three month span is not what she considers a good time. Even worse, is that she'll have to witness him suck face with her sister a gadzillion times. She reaches over and spends some time trying to set the clock before she gives up and pounds it hard. "Piece of shit! God.. Can my life get any worse?!"

Of course she didn't mean that. It's just what rich, whiny musicians say when they are tired, convinced to go cities they hate and can't make electronics work.

--

Twenty floors below, a woman lays on a bench, smiling up knowingly at Ashley's window. With a sparkly glint in her eye, she clutches a makeup bag close to her chest and whispers "Tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

**Dissident: Chapter Two**

Ashley grumbles unintelligibly into her pillow. Feeling as if she has only slept for a few hours. She unconsciously reaches over to the nightstand to stop the piercing sound coming from her alarm clock. Her hand flails lazily over the piece of furniture trying to locate the offending object. Growling in frustration, she pulls back her arm so that she can push herself up with her elbows. But the sleepy brunette only manages to raise her back up slightly before losing strength and flopping back down to the mattress.

She feels the beginning of an ache in her head as the repetitive buzzing continues. It takes a lot of of effort, but her eyes slowly blink the sleep away. She isn't quite sure what she sees when they fully open. This can be blamed on the fact that although she is awake, she hasn't completely entered reality yet. Or at least this is what she is telling herself as she tries to figure out why there is no alarm clock on her bedside table. The easily identifiable intrusion has to be coming from somewhere. She closes her eyes as if this will help her mind to work more efficiently.

Alarm Clock. There last night. Not here now. Alarm blaring. The only conclusion her groggy brain can come up with is that she must have knocked it off the table in her sleep. She grips the mattress and pulls herself to the edge to peek down to the floor. Her eyebrows furrow in confusion as her eyes search the ground. No alarm clock. No hardwood floors. This wouldn't be the first time that Ashley had woken up in a strange environment. But it is the only time in which she very soundly remembered going to bed in her own room. Thinking about the previous night, something dawns on her, and causes her heart to skip a beat. A blinking digital display of 12:00 a.m. replaces her awakened vision. The alarm wasn't set. And what happened to her hardwood floors?

Just as she is about to turn over, the sound that had suddenly become eerie to Ashley, stops. The mattress moves beside her and all she can do is freeze. An arm snakes around around her waist and feels a body press firmly into her back. Breath tickles her ear before hearing an unmistakeably familiar husky voice. "Good morning." But it's the intimate kiss to her lobe that causes Ashley's body to spring in what can only be described as super human speed. A loud thud would echo if she had been where she was supposed to be; In her own room with hardwood floors. But this room is foreign and also carpeted. So when Ashley falls to the floor, it barely registers on the Richter scale.

She looks up to the bed and is met with questioningly amused blue eyes smiling down at her. Ashley feels a little out of sorts, to say the least. Figuring she needs some answers, she stutters "I uh...did we... last night?" Raising an upturned palm, her index finger points to the bed.

The blonde glances over to the headboard that Ashley was pointing at before turning back and smiling sweetly at her. "If we did... do you think you'd still be in that?" She nods her head toward the brunettes clothing.

Ashley looks down and finds herself dressed in a white tank and over-sized plaid pajama bottoms. True. Had she engaged in any type of sexual activity, she would definitely not be wearing this. But what she can't get out of her mind, is the fact that she would definitely not be wearing this outfit to bed... ever. "Did you dress me, Spence?" She realizes how stupid that sounds as the words flow from her mouth. But this whole morning has been extremely weird, so she shrugs it off.

The question causes Spencer to frown. "You don't like them?"

"They're just... not me." The conversation was really bordering on insane in Ashley's opinion. It felt like they were beating around the bush. She wondered how she ended up at her ex girlfriend's house. If she was being entirely honest with herself, she would admit that it's not that unlikely of a scenario. Spencer still had it after all of these years, that was certain. After her journalist walked out the door, Ashley wistfully hoped that her she would take her up on the offer to meet again. She was just uncertain how the offer was apparently accepted without her remembering any of it.

"Well why didn't you say so, Ash?" Spencer swings her legs over the bed and stands up. Ashley watches toned thighs glide in front of her before she pushes herself off the ground. She would answer the blonde's question if she had an answer. Instead, her hand finds real estate in her brown curly locks as she tries to recall anything about the previous night after getting off the phone with Aiden. "I'm not a mind reader."

Ashley would have noticed the sadness in Spencer's voice had she not been so intent on trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

"Mommy!" Startled, Ashley whips around to watch, what looks to be, a mini Spencer bounce into the room. The blonde haired, blue eyed, look-alike, stares directly at the brunette. "Play video game?"

Ashley looks to Spencer for help, but she seems intent on rummaging through the drawers of her dresser. Turning back to the little girl, she offers a placating smile. She's never been good with kids. Briefly, she tries to recall if Spencer told her she had a daughter. No, definitely not. She never would have agreed to stay here knowing that little piece of information. "I'm actually going to be leaving soon." Her heart sinks as she watches the kid pout. "Maybe mommy will play with you in a little bit?"

Spencer sighs and turns around with arms crossed, leaning back against the dresser. "Honey, why don't you go into your room and get dressed for a sec?" She watches her daughter sulk out of room before she turns her attention to Ashley. "You really don't have enough time to play one game with her?"

"I really should be going." If she felt awkward before, Ashley was feeling doubly weird now. She never responded well to guilt trips. All she could think of was getting out of this house and back to her loft so that she could put this all behind her. It really felt like her ex girlfriend was making an attempt at re-kindling their relationship. She just wished that she could remember what they did last night and if she had given Spencer any type of false hope. Certainly her life couldn't accommodate any type of commitment.

Spencer walks up to Ashley and rests her hands loosely on her hips. "But it's Saturday." Pouting, the blonde rests her forehead on Ashley's shoulder.

The musician's breath hitches as she recalls this action from her past. Spencer always used to do this. And usually got her way, too. That damn pout got her every single damn time. Luckily, this was the present, and didn't have the same effect as it once did. She raises her arms and gently pushes the blonde away.

Spencer isn't sure what is bothering Ashley this morning, but she knows exactly what should cheer her up. She cups the love of her life's cheeks in the palm of her hand, leans in, and gives her a proper good morning kiss. Pulling away, she searches Ashley's face for the reaction she hoped to have elicited. Seeing the brunette's closed lids and face flushed a darker shade of pink, Spencer was certain her charm had worked.

"Now." Spencer pinches Ashley's abdomen playfully and grins. "Go play video games with your daughter before you leave."

--

Ashley didn't really think before she ran out of the room, grabbed unfamiliar keys from the entry table, and stormed out of her ex-girlfriend's house. The only thing she was sure of, was that something had gone terribly wrong with with Spencer Carlin. And while it was hard for her to imagine the blonde going crazy, clearly that was exactly what had happened in the last seven years.

She nervously glances at all of the mirrors in the vehicle as she speeds down the freeway in the modest Toyota Camry. Ashley was only now realizing she had stolen a car and was worried that Spencer would call the police. That was something she definitely didn't need in the press. Her publicist would kill her.

Pulling up to the building that never felt more like home to her in her entire life, she cuts the engine and rests her forehead on the steering wheel to take a much needed breath. Could it be possible that she hadn't been breathing the entire morning? It felt like that to her, as she pulled the keys from the ignition. Ashley turns to grab the door handle when she's startled by a knock at the window.

She looks up and reliefs floods over her as she lays eyes on the familiar doorman. Opening the door, she steps out and gives the doorman a bone crushingly long hug. She thinks briefly to herself, that she will hug him every day for the rest of her life for bringing her back to reality on this very day.

The uniformed man pulls from the embrace. "You can't park that car here."

The celebrity looks at him quizzically before she realizes what he means. "Oh... I'm just borrowing it." She couldn't really say that she was now officially a criminal and should be booked for auto theft. "You can actually... just call to have it towed or something."

She walks past the doorman and heads for the building's entrance when she feels someone latch onto her arm, bringing her to a stop. "Excuse me. Is someone expecting you?"

Ashley turns around in confusion. She wonders why it seems like the whole world has gone crazy this morning. "Yeah." She tugs her arm away from the doorman. "My bed."

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." He reaches for her arm again which causes her to quickly step back.

"And I'm going to have to ask you to keep your hands off me." Crossing her arms across her chest protectively, she adds "Or you'll the be the one leaving." She watches as the man looks over her shoulder with a slight nod. Following his line of site she notices a large security guard making her way toward her. But before he has a chance to reach her, she is forcefully yanked away from the situation.

"Ashley! I've been looking all over for you!" This woman pulls her to the stolen Camry and pushes her into the passenger seat. Hopping around to the driver's side she opens the door and flops into the seat next to the brunette. When she turns to face her, Ashley recognizes her as the make-up artist from yesterday. "Keys?" The woman extends her upturned palm across the center console.

Tentatively, Ashley hands the keys over. It's only until the car is in motion that she finds any words in her throat. "What's going on? What's happening?"

The driver flashes, what Ashley would consider to be, a sickeningly evil smile. "You're life just got worse." Ashley couldn't argue with that logic. This morning has been a disaster. "It's time for you to see what your life would have been like."

"Is this some kind of prank?!" The musician screamed in frustration. It was starting to make sense now. Why else would Spencer Carlin request an interview out of the blue? It had been seven years! She was seriously contemplating firing her whole staff for going along with something like this. She knew that the reasons for their break-up was her fault. She just, never in a million years, would have guessed her ex-girlfriend would be willing to take part in a scheme like this out of revenge. That just wasn't Spencer's style. Then again... it had been a long time. And what did she really know about her former girlfriend anyway?

"You can call it that if you want." The car jerks and suddenly they are flying across the freeway, weaving in and out of vehicles, and switching lanes at dangerous speeds. "I haven't driven in so long! Weeeeee!"

Ashley holds on tightly to the handle above her door. "Slow down! You have precious cargo here! Hello? Multi-million dollar artist?"

The woman laughs and shakes her head. "Not anymore."

Growing tired of the woman's cryptic answers, she decides to take a more direct approach. "Bitch, you better tell me what the hell is going on right now, or-"

"I am!" The driver shrieks. Then in a super sweet tone mutters "You're just not listening." Sighing, she continues. "I'm your guardian angel. Last night you yelled 'God, Can my life get any worse?!' so I thought you needed to experience something else, to appreciate what you have."

"Let me out of the car." Ashley's voice was barely audible. She didn't want to scare the psychotic woman. Her life was in danger, and she just needed to extract herself from this situation as soon as possible. The rocker couldn't be sure what the troubled driver would do if she pushed her buttons any further.

"I'm taking you home."

Ashley couldn't help but chuckle a little bit seeing as how the girl just forced her into a car and was driving her AWAY from home. "Please. Pull over."

"Ashley, your life is different now. You never broke up with Spencer. You live together and have a daughter. I'm taking you the-"

"Let me out of the fucking caaaaaaaaaar!" Ashley loses it.

The car quickly swerves through traffic to exit off a ramp and comes to an abrupt stop as soon as they reach a surface street. Ashley yanks open the door so hard that she is surprised that she didn't break the handle. Both women hop out of the car.

"Ashley wait!"

"Get away from me!" Ashley scurries down the sidewalk, narrowly avoiding head on collisions with other pedestrians.

"You have no where to go!" The woman follows behind her. "Ashley, stop!" She was now getting frustrated that the brunette wouldn't listen to her. "Look around you! None of these people even know who you are."

This gets Ashley to pause. She looks around at the people walking past her. There is no recognition on their faces. She grabs a twenty-something female and frantically asks, "Do you know who I am? Do I look familiar to you?" But it just results in the girl giving her an odd look before walking away.

She slowly turns to her 'guardian angel'. "What's your name?"

"Angel."

Ashley laughs and rolls her eyes. "Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

"Come on." Angel latches her arm with the brunette's. "Spencer's probably worried."


	3. Chapter 3

Dissident: Chapter Three

"This is just a dream." Ashley whispers as she stares at the small, faded blue, one story house that taunts her from just outside the vehicle's window. Her eyes trace the perimeter of the overgrown lawn, to the cracked driveway, and over the cement pathway that connects it to the front door. Sighing, she peels her forehead from the window and turns to face her driver and repeats. "It's a dream."

Angel smiles sympathetically. All the people she watches over and gifts with an alternate reality have the same reaction. "It isn't."

Ashley turns her attention back to the house. She looks for signs of anything familiar. If she could find just one thing that would remind her of herself, she might believe that this was actually happening to her. But nothing in this front yard indicates that an Ashley Davies lives here. If she chose to live in the suburbs, which she highly doubted she would ever agree to, she wouldn't want a picket fence. She is sure of that. And this house has one. The more she stares at the property, the more things she is able to pick apart. Like the color of the siding. Blue has been her favorite color since she could remember, but for a house? Certainly not any house she would live in. "I would never live here."

"But you do."

The brunette turns to debate with the faux make-up artist and her eyes grow wide with shock. Angel is no longer there. No sound. Nothing. Her heart beats with irregularity as her breathing picks up. She's never had a panic attack, but she imagines this is what the beginnings of one would feel like. A million questions race through her mind at that moment. 'What am I supposed to do now?', 'How do I make this stop?', 'How long will I have to live like this?', and the question that really sets her into fright; 'Is she coming back?'.

Fifteen minutes have passed when Ashley realizes that Angel has left her there for good. She reaches over the console and pulls the keys from the ignition before timidly stepping out of the vehicle. With closed eyes, gritted teeth, and a quick nod she whispers to herself, "I can do this."

--

"I can't do this." Her index finger and thumb rub at her closed eyes. If it were just Spencer, maybe she could make this work. But listening to the high pitched screech of a little girl chasing who-knows-what around the house is too much to deal with.

Before the sparkles have time to fade from her eyes, she is tackled by a force previously unknown to her. Her ass hits the floor and her arms instinctively raise to shield herself from the sloppy tongue attempting to devour her face. "Get away!" She yells as she repeatedly pushes at the large yellow lab. But the happy four legged friend is persistent and winning the battle.

"Cookie, come 'ere." Spencer appears from nowhere and grabs their family pet by it's collar, gently pulling him off of her defenseless girlfriend. She turns and yells into the living room, "What did I tell you about getting him riled up?!" To Spencer, there is nothing worse than asking her daughter a question and being ignored. Which is every time she gets in trouble. Frustrated, she looks back at her disheveled partner. "I'm gonna take her outside." She starts dragging their dog toward the kitchen. "You go talk to our daughter."

Ashley assumes that 'talk to our daughter' means 'punish our daughter'. She recognizes it as language that is passed between practiced couples. The kind of dialogue that is transferred easily among two people that are in sync. She uses one hand to wipe the canine saliva from her face as the other pushes herself up from the floor. She recalls being in sync with Spencer before. They lived with each other for a year after Spencer graduated from High school. 'Can I have the thing?' meant that Spencer wanted the remote. 'This needs some sauce.' was often a result of anything needing some kind of condiment. Ashley rounds the corner to the living room, unaware of the small smile that had formed on her face in recollection.

When she enters the living room, she comes face to face with mini-Spencer. Narrowing her eyes, in the way that she assumes scolding mother's should, she says, "Don't rile up the dog."

The little version of Spencer looks down at her feet. "OK."

Ashley doesn't move from her spot. "We good?"

"Yeah." She shrugs.

"I swear to god, Ash, your dog is like 100 frickin pounds!" Spencer walks into the room but stops right beside Ashley when she notices someone still in the room. She looks at Ashley quizzically. "No time out?"

"Mom!" The little girl whines. "I don't wanna time out!"

Spencer shakes her head at Ashley before kneeling down in front of their daughter. "Emilee, honey..." She places her hands on the girl's shoulders. "You didn't answer mommy when I asked you a question. You're going to go to your room and have a time out, OK?" She strokes some of the blonde hairs on her head. "And if you're good... then we'll make you some mac and cheese." She smiles sweetly at her daughter. Because really, she is too adorable for words. It tears apart her insides to have to punish her. But that's what has to be done to make sure children grow up to be well rounded individuals. Spencer stands up and lightly slaps Emilee on her bottom. "Now get going."

The tiny girl scurries out of the living room, leaving the domesticated couple alone for the first time since this morning.

"A little harsh, dontcha think?" Ashley questions with a raised eyebrow. She didn't feel like she had the right to judge. After all, she is a stranger to this family. But a time out for not answering a question?

Tilting her head, Spencer regards Ashley with furrowed eyebrows. "What's going on with you today?" She just didn't get it. Ashley practically jumped out of her skin when she kissed her this morning, pretty much refused to spend time with their daughter, then stormed out of the house in her pajamas.

Ashley laughs indignantly before sitting down on the worn our corduroy sofa. "What isn't wrong with me today?!"

Spencer slowly walks to the couch and sits on her knees next to her cranky brunette. She drapes one arm around the back of her neck, the other reaching around a slender waist, as she nuzzles her forehead into the crook of her girlfriend's neck and mumbles, "Mmmm, my poor baby. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Are we happy?" There was no reason for Ashley to put it off. She had questions and she needed answers.

The blonde carefully extracts herself from Ashley and stares intently at the side of her face. She wishes that she would look at her so she can see what is going on in that head of hers. She learned to read the true feelings behind her eyes a long time ago. A trait that had become so important in their relationship because her girlfriend was never one to open up. It wasn't a bad thing, it was just uniquely Ashley. Something Spencer had learned to both love and hate over the years. But today, she was not being afforded with eyes that would tell her everything is OK. "Why?" her voice cracks. "Is something wrong?"

"Are you happy?" Ashley refused to look at Spencer. She knew that if she did, her resolve would crumble. There was no way she could forget the way that famous Spencer Carlin pout would turn her into a puddle of mush.

"Yes." Spencer answers immediately. Hesitantly she asks, "Are you?"

That was a loaded question. And one Spencer would regret asking for some time to come. Because how could Ashley not answer truthfully when all thoughts that occupied her mind revolved around that exact question. "Why would I be happy, Spencer? I live in a blue house with a picket fence! I wear plaid pajama bottoms and drive a Toyota Camry. There's a kid that screeches and a dog that uses more tongue than the last girl I was with!"

Spencer's hand flew to her mouth in a failed attempt at concealing a gasp. With tears threatening to spill, she scoots away from Ashley until her back meets the arm rest. "What?" She whispers in disbelief.

Ashley looks over to her ex-girlfriend. "What happened to my music career? What happened to you wanting to be a journalist?"

"What?" The broken blonde questions a little louder.

It was actually tugging at Ashley's heart, the way Spencer was so upset at her questioning. She fought the urge to wrap her arms around the beautiful woman. She tried a softer approach. "I mean... just... what happened to us? Is this what we wanted?" Her arms gesture at the living room.

Spencer was sure she had just heard her girlfriend say that she had cheated on her. But with the way the brunette was acting so nonchalant about it, she couldn't be certain. Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her. There was only one way to find out. "Cookie uses more tongue than who?"

Realization washes over the brunettes face and quickly attempts to fix the situation. "Spencer, I didn't mean to say that. I don't know what I was saying. I think I meant... I don't really know what I meant. But I didn't mean that." Out of breath, she looks down and studies the patterns on her pants.

With that statement, coupled with how Ashley had been acting this morning, Spencer knew in her heart, that she had been with another woman. She wasn't capable of coping with this. If this was High school, and they hadn't built a life together, she was sure she could walk away from her right now. But now with a mortgage, daughter, jobs, and a family pet, she didn't know if it was possible to untangle this. And truthfully, she didn't want to unbind the knots they had created. She just wanted to forget what she had heard. Motioning toward the coffee table she sniffs out, "Can you hand me the thing?"

Ashley leans forward, picks up the remote and gently hands it to her.

--

The third rum and coke travels down Spencer's throat in one quick elongated gulp before she places it on the cheap medal table in front of her. She sneaks a peak to her right. Of course Ashley is there. She is every Saturday night. This what they do. Only usually, they are laughing and brushing finger tips and sharing sweet smiles. Tonight, her girlfriend is sitting uncomfortably with arms crossed and absently staring at a napkin. Spencer knows she shouldn't have forced her to come. She should have let her stay home. It just seemed so important at the time. If neither of them showed up, or worse, only Spencer, everyone would have assumed something was up.

"What is up with you two tonight?" Aiden whispers into Spencer's ear as he gently nudges her shoulder.

She sighs. She should have known there was no getting around this. All of their friends were in their business. It's the way it always has been and always will be. She realizes there is no use trying to hide it. And she really did need someone to talk to. "Come on." She stands, grabs onto his hand, and pulls him up.

"One sec." Aiden turns to the woman sitting next to him, deeply engrossed in reading a Karaoke song list. "Babe, I'm gonna go chat with Spencer." He bends down to give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek before turning around and allowing himself to be dragged across the room to the bar.

Ashley lifts her head slightly to watch them leave. She can't help feeling really guilty after the conversation she had with Spencer at home earlier. Was it really considered cheating if she had slept with women other than her ex-girlfriend in the past seven years? If it was in another reality, does it count? Why should she be concerned about Spencer's feelings when she honestly feels no commitment toward her? Still, it has her seriously messed up as she sits in this dark and dingy old bar, listening to patrons horribly croon into a microphone.

"What did you do this time?" Ashley looks toward the sound of that familiar accusatory voice. Kyla doesn't take her eyes off of the song list in her hands. "Forget to mow the lawn again?" The sister's mouth forms into a smirk. She always loved teasing Ashley about how whipped she is. She never would have imagined the ex-musician to become so responsible and family oriented. But deep down, she was really thankful for Spencer. Without her, she was sure her sister would be making music, alone, and miserable.

Ashley leans forward, resting her arms on the table. "Kyla, why is my life like this? What happened?"

This is serious, Kyla thought, as she places the song book in her lap. "You're not going through a midlife crisis are you, Ash?"

The more talented sister sighs. "I don't know. I just woke up this morning and everything seemed so... wrong."

"You love your life. Get over it. Go shopping or something." Kyla was only half surprised by Ashley's comments. She could definitely tell something was wrong between her and Spencer. She just hoped that Ashley was having a down day and would snap out of it quickly. For Spencer's sake. For Emilee's sake.

Ashley laughs sardonically. "Can I afford it?" She takes a swig of her Coors Light and glances over to the bar to look at Spencer.

Kyla rolls her eyes. "Is that what this is about?" She covers one of Ashley's hands with her own. "Ash... if you need more money, just tell me." She really hated that Ashley had blown all of her money creating her own label and trying to produce her music. She had good intentions by breaking her contract with Virgin. But she wasn't a marketing guru and was destined to fail doing it all by herself. "If you and Spencer are having trouble financially, just let me know."

"I don't know if we are." Ashley shrugs and finishes off her beer.

Kyla offers sympathetically, "Well, if you need it right away, you can always use some of the money I gave you for Emy's fund."

Ashley notices a waitress a couple of tables away and raises her hand to wave her over. This was too much to take in. She and Spencer were broke and her sister still had money. To top it all off, Kyla was making sympathy donations to their daughters 'fund'. Whatever that meant. "Thanks."

The waitress sways her hips as she approaches the table and leans in closer than she should to whisper enticingly, "You look hot, can I get you something to cool down?"

Across the bar, Spencer watches her girlfriend flirt with the same skanky waitress that hits on her every Saturday night. No amounts of alcohol can dull the pang in her chest. "That's probably her." She nods in the direction over Aiden's shoulder.

He follows her line of sight before laughing and turning his attention back to the forlorn blonde. "Spencer. That's ridiculous! She's not cheating on you. And definitely not with that girl."

Spencer takes another large gulp of her beverage. "She said so, Aiden. It came directly from the horses mouth."

Her handsome friend shakes his head and puts a hand on her shoulder. "I know Ash. And she would never screw things up between you two. When would she even find the time? Between work, chores, you, and Emy?" He flashes what he hopes to be a reassuring smile. "You must've misunderstood her."

"Why are you defending her?!" Spencer slurs as she shrugs his hand off of her. "She's cheater! A horrible, nasty, cheating..." Not able to think of any derogatory terms to describe her girlfriend, she opts for a frustrated growl to finish her sentence. She hangs her head in defeat and sighs. "I just love her so much, you know?"

Aiden nods and lifts her chin up with his index finger. "She loves you too."

--

Spencer purposely shoulder checks the slutty waitress as she makes her way back to their table, earning herself a death glare. The bitch can go flirt her way off a cliff for all she cares. She flops down on the uncomfortable medal chair with a huff which causes Ashley to notice her return. "You were gone a long time."

The tipsy blonde scoffs "Didn't seem like you minded too much."

Defensively Ashley questions, "What is that supposed to mean?"

Aiden quickly interrupts. "Hey, Ash. You're turn." He pulls a guitar case from under the table and walks it over to his musically inclined friend. "Go play something!"

Ashley raises an eyebrow, looks at the two girls at her table before staring at the offered case. "What? I can't play-"

Pulling Ashley out of her chair by the arm, Aiden interrupts with an eye roll. "Oh, stop pretending like you're modest and get up there." He pushes her toward the stage before taking his seat next to Kyla. "God, she looks so nervous. What is with her?" His girlfriend shrugs as she watches her sister awkwardly walk away. And Aiden does the same, hoping that Spencer isn't right about her girlfriend's infidelity.

Ashley steps onto the raised platform and unlatches the guitar case. Her breath catches as she reads the words engraved on the instrument. 'For our rockstar. Love from your girls, S & E.' The musician shakes her head and stands, raising the worn leather strap over her head. It does not go unnoticed to her that it is a perfect fit. She looks in the direction of her ex-girlfriend and locks eyes for an unknown amount of time. Those piercing blue eyes could be seen even through this dim lit dive bar. Through the generic multi-colored lights shining on her. And briefly, she recalls why her favorite color is blue.

The gorgeous brunette shakes herself out of her thoughts and looks down to the strings she is fiddling a random sequence of notes on. At this moment, she decides to pretend that this is a large venue. That this is like any other stage she has performed on. And like a light switch that turns on, Ashley Davies (aka Rockstar), also turns on. With confidence, she begins to strum and sing with practiced ease, unaware of the confused faces of her audience. She rocks her guitar and belts out lyrics as beads of sweat form on her temples. She was completely lost in her music, enjoying the familiarity of it all. It was the first time that she felt comfortable all day.

As the last note echos through the bar, Ashley is rewarded with... silence? She looks toward Spencer for any type of reassuring sign but is met with an absent look and mouth hanging open. It's only until Ashley says "Thank you." into the microphone an eternity later that the applause finally comes. She leans down to put her guitar back in it's case.

At the table, Spencer finally breaks out of her daze and points to the stage. "What the hell was that?" She looks to her friends who share equally dumbfounded expressions. "No really." She points with more animation. "What. The hell. Was that?"

Aiden shrugs as the crowd around them starts buzzing. "A really good performance."

Spencer looks to Kyla for confirmation. Hoping that she was wrong. That Aiden was wrong. That Ashley didn't just give a performance so amazing that it would stun the Staples Center into silence. Sure, her talented girlfriend was good. But she had never been that good. And where the hell did that song come from?

Kyla avoids the question by feigning interest in the karaoke song list again. She really didn't know what to think about the weird events of this night. She thought it best to keep out of it.

Ashley makes her way back to the table, takes a seat, and a swig of her beer before timidly turning to Spencer. "How was it?"

"Beautiful." Although she can't be sure if she is referring to the performance or her stunning girlfriend that eerily seems like a stranger.


	4. Chapter 4

Dissident: Chapter Four

The exhausted singer sits cross legged on a bed that doesn't feel like her bed. Forehead in palms and elbows resting on knees, she closes her eyes and entertains the thought that if she falls asleep she might wake up from this nightmare. She knows that isn't likely to happen. If this were a dream, she would have already left this state of mind. Dreams are the one place she usually has control. A stark contrast to her hectic life as a musician.

Through unruly brown curls, slender fingertips lazily massage her scalp. realizing that her headache from the morning never fully extricated itself. She tilts her head slightly and opens one eye to glare at the alarm clock on the opposite side of the bed. Misplacing blame, she swears to herself that if she ever gets back home, she will toss her own clock out the window and never buy another.

"Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" Ashley hears chanted in rhythm with each padded stomp from a little girl that is getting closer. Before she has time to protect herself, the mattress shakes and dips until she finds herself on her back being smothered by a tiny naked body. Wet strands of hair meet Ashley's tank top as Emilee buries her head into her mother's armpit. The musician raises her arms awkwardly high in the air, not quite sure how to react to the wiggly and squirmy girl on top of her. "Save me." Mini-Spencer mumbles repeatedly into a chest she has nuzzled her face into.

"Emilee Grace Carlin-Davies!" Ashley raises her neck to peak over a matted and wet head of hair. There stood Spencer Carlin. Eyes narrowed, arms crossed, leaning all of her weight on one foot as the other tapped against carpet. The captive brunette couldn't stop the smirk that formed from her lips. She had to be honest with herself. Stern mommy Spencer was making her feel things that she probably shouldn't be, considering an innocent, smaller version of the women was draped on top of her.

Spencer recognizes the look and it only serves to infuriate her even more. Blowing a strand of hair out of her face in a huff, she walks to the bed, slips her fingers around Emilee's ankles and pulls. "Nooooooo!" The bare girl cries pathetically as her midget hands grab fistfuls of shirt.

Ashley's arms lower, protectively holding Emilee in place. "You're not going to kill her are you?" She says in mock seriousness.

The small girl, now caught in a tug-of-war of sorts, squeals at the thought of being killed by her angry mom.

The couple winces at the piercing sound, before their eyes open and instinctively meet. Spencer wishes she could get lost in those dark chestnut eyes awhile longer, but knows she shouldn't. Not when everything has been so off between them today. And especially not when the owner of those inescapable eyes made a heartbreaking confession just hours earlier. But Spencer smiles, beside her better judgement, and is rewarded with an equally sincere smile from her girlfriend. She allows herself several seconds to feel the electricity building between them, before looking down to her beautiful unclothed daughter. "Nah, I think we'd miss her." Leaning over, she gently pries Emilee's hands from Ashley's shirt and pulls her up to a wobbly standing position.

The brunette's head falls back against the mattress and absently stares at a twirling ceiling fan. Spencer watches her girlfriend pensively as she brushes tangles out of her daughters head with her fingers.

"Mommy. No more bath." Emilee whispers.

Spencer shakes her head, before looking at her daughter. "Huh?"

"I'm clean." The young girl tries to convince her mother.

Grinning, Spencer pinches her daughters nose once, before picking her up. "It's time to go nighty night, anyway." She walks around the bed and maneuvers the girl in her arms so that she hovering over Ashley. "Give mommy a kiss."

Ashley doesn't flinch when Emilee stretches down and places a sweet, soft peck on her cheek.

It's only after Spencer leaves the room that Ashley rolls off the bed, tucks a pillow under her arm and drags a blanket out to the living room.

--

Spencer sets a bowl of cereal in front of Ashley before turning her attention to something cooking on the stove. The brunette picks up her spoon and begins to stir the contents when she feels eyes watching her. She glances up and to the left. Sure enough, mini-Spencer is staring at her. "What?"

The young girl doesn't answer. She just uses her big blue eyes to scan her mother's features.

Feeling uncomfortable, Ashley repositions herself in her chair, and scoops half of the tiny nuts to one side of the bowl. She loves her Grapenuts like this. Soggy, without the milk.

Spencer leans across the table to put a small dish of scrambled eggs in front of her daughter. "Be careful. They're hot." She then goes back to bustling around the kitchen. Putting dishes in the sink, throwing things back in the fridge, cleaning the counters, etc.

Ashley finally takes a bite of her soggy breakfast, and again, feels those blue orbs watching her. She looks over to confirm her new-found sense. "Aren't you going to eat that?" She points at the eggs with her utensil.

"They're hot." The girl states as if it were obvious.

In a move that surprises even herself, Ashley grabs the plate and gently blows on the yellow meat before setting it down and scooting it back over.

The rest of their morning meal is continued in silence. Well, silent except for all the slamming of cupboards and banging of dishes that Spencer seems to be taking out her frustrations on.

Spencer turns around with her hands on her hips. "Are you going to get dressed or are you planning on wearing PJ's to work, too?"

Ashley cringes at the blonde's question. "Work?" She puts her spoon down and clutches her stomach. "I don't think I'm feeling well..."

The blonde stares at her girlfriend incredulously for a few seconds before she walks over to the wall, grabs the cordless phone, and marches back over to the brunette. Shoving it font of her face she says, "Then call my dad and tell him you won't be in."

"You're dad?" Ashley carefully takes the phone from her ex-girlfriend's hand. She withers under Spencer's expectant gaze. "No, I think I'll be fine." She changes her mind. Laying the phone on the table, she scoots the chair back as she stands, and gives Spencer an apologetic look before she walks to their bedroom.

"You couldn't have at least washed them off?!" Spencer yells before Ashley hears the distinctive sound of bowl and spoon clinging loudly into the sink.

--

Ashley couldn't believe it. Here she sits, in the passenger seat of their four-year-old Toyota Camry, waiting for Spencer to return from the house that apparently keeps watch over their daughter on weekdays. Her disbelief does not stem from the fact that she is having to wait. No. It has to do with the information bestowed upon her this morning;The Camry is their one and only vehicle. It figures, she thinks to herself, as she ponders all the other horrible revelations she will have to deal with today.

Her elbow rests through the window as her fingers tap melodically over the tiny crack hiding the lowered glass.

Spencer walks out of the house and stops on the porch, just shy of the walkway. Eyes on her girlfriend, she takes a deep breath, before continuing her path to the car. Ashley glances up at her just as she is about two feet away. Walking around the front, it's only when the blonde reaches the driver's side door that their gaze is broken. Spencer opens the door and gets in, but she doesn't give any indication of starting the vehicle. "Ash, I think we need to talk."

Ashley nods but figures she'll let Spencer do the talking this time. She hopes that any conversation they have won't lead to her hurting the poor girl again. She couldn't stand being the cause of her ex-girlfriend's pain in the past, and she is having a hard time of dealing with that in their present situation as well.

Spencer looks through the windshield at their surroundings. She'd rather not have this talk here, but with work, and a daughter at home, it makes it difficult to get any alone time. "Is it me?" She whispers dejectedly.

Her girlfriend shakes her head and matches her tone. "No."

Picking at the leather on the steering wheel, Spencer tries to think of another question to ask. She thinks it's funny how the past two nights of sleeping alone in their bed resulted in hundreds of ways to interrogate her girlfriend. But now, with the beautiful girl beside her, she was drawing a blank. "You're different." She finally says. Because it was all that she could come up with.

Ashley would respond to that, but it wasn't a question. It was a fact. And one she can't deny.

"Who is she?" Spencer surprises herself by her own boldness several seconds later. She doesn't really want to know the answer. But she guesses that the question could be the catalyst of getting the truths out in the open. So that they could maybe go through those steps of forgiving, healing, and making themselves better. That is, if Ashley even wanted that.

The brunette leans back against the head rest as she focuses on a tiny crack on the roof. "There isn't anyone, Spencer." She had time to think about this the past couple of nights. She came to the conclusion that she knew, without a doubt, that she would never cheat on Spencer. She remembered having quite a few opportunities to stray when they were together all those years ago. But she couldn't do it then, and she is sure that this version of herself wouldn't be able to either. So when the next words leave her mouth, they do so with complete conviction. "I would never cheat on you."

Spencer expels the breath that she was holding as she closes her eyes in relief. "Then what's going on?" Finally, she finds the courage to turn to her girlfriend. "Why have you been sleeping on the couch?"

Ashley knows there is no good way to answer this. No matter what answer she comes up with, it is going to leave her ex-girlfriend disappointed. She plays with the hem of her skirt, searching her brain for a placating response. Ultimately, she ends up ducking her head in defeat knowing 'It just doesn't feel right' would break the other woman beyond repair.

"We're going to be late." Spencer says, recognizing the signs of her girlfriend shutting down. Shaking her head, she turns the key that was left in the ignition.

The former celebrity tilts her head to look out the window as they pull away from the curb. Wishing that a beautician would come back and take her home.

--

Walking into the public building, Ashley is greeted immediately by a familiar figure.

"You're late." Ashley hadn't seen Arthur Carlin in a long time. Aside from the highlights of grey in his hair, he looked the same. Kind eyes and a gentle smile were oddly comforting to the brunette.

She flashes a crooked smile. "You're daughters fault."

"Sure it is." Arthur wraps an arm around Ashley's shoulder as he leads her down the hall. If there was one thing he knew, it was that his daughter's girlfriend was usually the culprit behind any tardiness. It wasn't as if he made it a habit of envisioning the couple doing things father's should never know about. It's just that many mornings, it was hard to miss how the two women could barely detach themselves from each other, followed by a glowing and cocky brunette sashaying her way through the door to start her day. "I have a new one for you today."

Ashley knows she can't outright ask what she does for a living, so she probes, "A new one?"

"Seventeen. Neglected. Drug Problem." He squeezes her shoulder before dropping his arm. "You know... the usual."

She stands there, nodding, trying to figure out what it all means.

"He's waiting for you in your office." Arthur interrupts her thoughts by extending his arm toward a door several feet away.

Ashley tentatively walks to the door and scans her eyes over her name engraved on a metal plate. Below that, she reads a title. Counselor. Sighing, she turns the handle and pushes her way through the door. An emo looking kid with tight jeans, black and white striped tee, and black fingernails, sits relaxed in a chair when she enters. She walks around to her desk, drops her purse, and takes a seat.

Avoiding his eyes, she looks down and notices a manila folder. She reads the label out loud, "Brendon Meyers."

"In the flesh." The boy smoothly confirms as he sits back with his fingers entwined behind his head.

She opens the file and reads through a list of infractions. Possession of marijuana, Possession of alcohol, and Truancy. She rolls her eyes. It's as if she is reading her own high school rap sheet. She closes the folder and slides it into the top drawer before mirroring the boys position. She cocks an expectant eyebrow. "Well aren't you supposed to talk or something?" The brunette leans forward, placing her elbows on the desk, and resting her chin on her hands. "Tell me your problems so that I can fix them and send you on your way."

Brendon doesn't feel as if his new counselor sounds very sincere. But he has been in enough offices with people trying to shrink him, that he knows the drill.

Ashley senses her eyes drifting closed. The longer the boy rambles on about school and his friends and his parties and his girlfriends and his drugs and his alcohol, the more exhausted she feels. "Hold Please." She raises a finger in the air between them.

The boy watches his smoking hot counselor rummage through her purse, then finds a twenty dollar bill being shoved in his face. His eyes furrow in confusion.

Ashley grins coyly as she sticks the bill down the teenager's front pocket. The money has been replaced a with clear plastic baggy containing two joints when she extracts her hand, waving it in front of his eyes. "Times up."

Brenden doesn't have the time to protest before Ashley walks out the door.

--

Spencer taps a pencil on her desk and watches a long hand rotate painfully slow. But maybe not slow enough. On any other day, she would be counting the seconds until she could get out of here and reunite with her family for the evening. Only now, she wonders what she has to look forward to. A girlfriend who won't sleep in the same room with her? Who admitted to kissing another woman but then later denied cheating on her? Nothing makes sense to her anymore as she turns her attention to the other individuals in the room.

She thinks back to those days. They were so difficult for her and Ashley. A homophobic mother, discriminating brother, dead father, dead brother, jealousy, a break-up, reconciliation, and a college choice that threatened their future. But they persevered. Together. She had always thought that Ashley was her soul mate. There was no way that anybody could beat the odds as many times that they had. But that was the past. This was their future. Things were supposed to be easy now.

Spencer sets down the pencil, takes a sip of her diet coke and leans back in her chair. She glances at the clock, already knowing it would reveal that not much time had passed. Could they do it again? Whatever Ashley was going through, whatever doubts and regrets were bubbling up to the surface; Would their relationship prevail this time?

Standing, the tired blonde walks around her desk. "Times Up."

The high school students don't have time to protest before Spencer begins to pick up their unfinished quizzes.

--

Frustrated, Ashley zips up her purse and pushes herself off of the cement railing. She was already mad that she had no mode of transportation. But the fact that there was no lighter in her possession was the part that really cranked her out.

She notices the convenient store across the street, and starts to make her way over.

Pushing through the glass door, a mechanical bell alerts the woman behind the counter of her presence. Pulling her wallet from her purse, she walks over to the ATM. She takes a bank card out of it's sleeve and slides it through the machine. When it asks for her pin, she prays to the heaven above that her alternate self would use the same code as her. She punches in the four digit code. The irony isn't lost on her when the machine accepts her entry. She only wonders why she never thought to use a pin other than her and Spencer's anniversary after they broke up. Habit, she guesses, before she selects the button to do a checking balance inquiry.

She groans as she tears her eyes away from the screen in disgust. A few moments later, she recalls the conversation she had with her sister the other night. The counselor turns back to the machine and curiously requests a balance inquiry on their savings account. With a quirked eyebrow, she nods, and withdrawals forty dollars.

Stepping to the counter, she pulls a lighter out of the cardboard container beside the register. The cashier pops up quickly. "Boo!"

Ashley jumps, covering her heart, before recognition sets in. "Where the hell of you been?!"

"You're not the only one I babysit." The blonde teases.

Rolling her eyes, Ashley sets her jaw. "I wanna go home." She sighs. "Now."

The clerk smirks and pushes some buttons on the machine in front of her. "Not for your to decide."

"I'm not fucking playing, Angel." Leaning over the counter, Ashley talks with determination. "It's time for me to go."

The mechanical bell rings and the clerk points toward the door. "Did you know that every time a bell rings, an Angel gets their wings?"

Ashley looks over to the door and there is nobody there. Turning her attention back to the counter, she scolds herself internally for falling for it. Angel had disappeared again.

"That is such fucking bullshit." She says before she grabs the lighter and storms out without paying.


	5. Chapter 5

Dissident: Chapter Five

Ashley holfds her breath as she flips through a photo album. With squinted eyes, she scans over captured memories that don't belong to her. Exhaling, she slowly blows a thin trail of smoke through the corner of her lips.

If she had to be placed in some alternate universe, she thinks that it would have been helpful to at least be given the recollection of her past. The way it is now, it is too hard to comprehend. She can't figure out why her life would have turned out this way.

She had been rummaging through the house in search of clues. Anything to help her understand. Something that would confirm her belief that there was no way she could be happy in this life. When she opened the doors beneath the coffee table, she was rewarded with a lifetime collection of photo albums. She would have perused them on the couch, which she is sure would have been more comfortable than lying fully clothed in a bathtub, but she wanted to partake in some herbal rehabilitation. Not knowing when Spencer and Emilee would come home, she thought it would be best to haul all of the books into the bathroom. Ashley knew she was a lot of things, but a bad influence to small children was not one of them.

Glancing at the joint threatening to burn her fingertips, she wonders why everyone doesn't smoke marijuana. Nobody would ever be angry. Just relaxed. Which is something she desperately needed. The past few days had really worn her out. She simply wasn't herself and she hated that. And it wasn't fair to Spencer.

The depleted brunette had turned through countless pages, fand while she could recognize everyone in the photos, they all seemed like strangers. It was hard for Ashley to see herself in situations that she wasn't apart of. She figured that this must be what amnesia is like. And there was no proof of the unhappiness she was looking for. Every single picture, displayed only affection and love and contentment. Ashley thought that the drugs might be influencing her feelings a bit, because as she looked at the unfamiliar scenes in front of her, she felt... jealous. But she wasn't ready to let her mind wander there just yet.

"Shit!" Ashley quickly sits up and flicks the offending object over the side of the bathtub into the toilet. With a half smile she praises herself. "Score." She raises the injured fingers to her mouth and sucks soothingly while her other hand takes the photo album and exchanges it for another that lays just outside of the tub.

"Wow." The loaded brunette breathes. She peels away the plastic film from the corner and pulls a picture out. Leaning back and raising her crossed feet to rest on the faucet, she closes her eyes and lets her mind wander back to that day.

_"Say cheese!" The brunette hovers over her girlfriend, knees sinking into the mattress beside each hip._

_Spencer turns her face with a pout, clutching a sheet over her chest with one hand, as her other arm extends to swat the camera away. "No, Ash!" _

_Ashley bounces up and down as if she were a kid anticipating opening presents on Christmas day. "Spencerrrrr." She playfully whines. "Stay still." She reaches down to tilt her just awakened girlfriend's chin to face her as she raises the camera to her eye. "Cheeeeese." _

_Beep._

_Frowning, Ashley pulls the camera away from her face to look at the LCD screen. Just as she thought. Spencer pulled the sheet over her head before she took the picture. Sighing, she sets the camera on the bed. "You're being difficult."_

_"No pictures." Spencer mumbles from under the covers. _

_Ashley adjusts herself so that she is laying flush on top of the covered body beneath her, and huskily whispers into the barrier between them. "Please?" She inches closer, slightly joining their lips through the fabric. "For me?" _

_The blonde squirms under the weight of her girlfriend. It isn't uncomfortable. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Even though they barely had any sleep as a result of christening their first night of living together, she could feel a familiar need festering below. It's just the affect Ashley has on her, she has come to realize. And she is certain that she would spend the rest of her life saying 'yes' to Ashley's requests under these circumstances. Biting her lip, she peeks out to gaze into those beautiful brown eyes. "Why?" _

_"I want to remember this." The sincerity in her girlfriend's voice causes Spencer's heart to skip several beats. Ashley had come such a long way. She grew up, beat her fear of commitment, and proved how much she loved her. It's what she always wanted from the beginning. And although they have had to overcome so many obstacles, Spencer doesn't regret any of them. Because they made their relationship stronger. They made this moment that more special and rewarding. "Forever."_

_Spencer grins playfully. "I have bed head." _

_"You're beautiful when you wake up." Ashley confesses, smitten with her girlfriend's sparkling blue eyes gazing into her own._

_"Just when I wake up?" The blonde teases._

_Ashley smiles wide. "Especially when you wake up." She leans in and captures Spencer's lips in a tender kiss that could only be understood between two people in love. Her mouth lingers and savors the unique taste of their affection._

_The unsuspecting blonde doesn't notice Ashley's arm moving as she smiles into the kiss._

_Beep._

Ashley opens her eyes and looks at the intimate picture once again. She traces a finger over the fused lips that have been permanently captured. She doesn't think there have been kisses comparable to Spencer's in her life and she wonders how she could have allowed herself to forget.

--

Spencer lifts the handle and opens the back door. Her daughter ungracefully stumbles out, clutching a piece of paper to her chest. The little girl regains her balance before her white sandals briskly carry her toward the building. "Emilee Grace!"

The mother's call for her daughter is ignored as she watches her run head on into a woman's leg who is exiting through glass doors. Emilee looks up in surprise. She clenches the hem of her yellow sunflower dress with one hand, bashfully ducking her head as she walks through the offered opening. Spencer shakes her head at her daughter's inability to be well behaved. She shuts the door, makes her way up the walkway, and apologizes to the woman in passing.

The tired blonde approaches the entrance. Through the glass, she can see her father, bent down, in conversation with his granddaughter. She takes a deep breath before opening the door and walks across the scuffed marble floor to greet her family members. "Hey, dad." She places her arm around Emilee's neck to pull her close, thumb unconsciously rubbing her shoulder, as she watches him raise in acknowledgement.

"Hi honey." Arthur leans in, giving his daughter a one armed hug and kiss on the cheek. "Good to see you." He pulls away and points at the paper in his granddaughter's hand. "This little thing is an artist."

Emilee squirms away from her mother's grasp in an attempt to prove fher independence, and pouts. "Not little..."

With kind, knowing eyes, the grandfather concedes. "Of course not, sweetie." He ruffles her hair. "You're a big girl." Turning his attention back to his daughter, he notices that she looks depleted. "What brings you by? Something wrong?"

Spencer's eyes furrow in confusion. "Here to pick up Ashley?" She uses her hand to gesture toward her girlfriend's office. "As usual?"

"Oh." Arthur had sensed something wasn't right ever since Ashley had left work without saying a word. He was worried about her until he questioned that young kid, Brenden. His fears were put to rest when the troubled teen assured him that she was all smiles when she walked out. But now, his daughter is here to pick her up. And it's just not like the perfect couple not to not communicate. "She left this morning."

Spencer continues to look at her father, features unmoving. She has to be strong. She will not allow herself to have a mental breakdown in front of her daughter.

Arthur can see heartbreak in his daughters eyes and feels as if his words just took the wind out of her. "Honey?"

"Oh... OK." Spencer mutters her delayed response with a slight nod. Her right hand fumbles around at her side, searching for Emilee's hand. "Then we'll just see you later." When she finally clasps hands with her daughter, she turns around and guides her out of the building. She doesn't notice the smaller girl morosely dropping a piece of paper to the ground. A drawing she made of herself and her mommy Ashley.

--

The door handle jiggles, and Ashley would dart up in surprise, if her body wasn't so sedated.

"Ash?" The raspy voice says from behind the door.

The former musician slowly pushes herself up and out of the bathtub. Straightens hfer clothes and walks toward the worried voice. Her hand stops just inches away from the lock, when she is overcome with a sudden sense of paranoia. She was sure that Spencer would be able to tell that she had been smoking. Ashley isn't sure why she really cares, but her body decides to react in the speed in which her brain is racing. She quickly opens the bottom cabinets and rifles through various cleaning supplies, knocking things over in her search. Sighing, she stands up and takes an inventory of the room. Above the toilet is a decorative cupboard. Stepping over the piles of photo albums scattered about the floor, she pulls on the knob. "Bingo!" She pulls out the aerosol can and presses the button obsessively as it emits ungodly amounts of air freshener around the small space. Satisfied only when the contents of the bottle are gone, she tosses into the waste basket by the counter. She smiles to herself, thinking that she's two for two today.

"Ashley... what are you doing in there?" Spencer was annoyed. No. She was hurt. No. She was heartbroken. Actually, Spencer wasn't sure what she was. But finding out that Ashley had left work without telling her had really set her into an internal frenzy. Her girlfriend had never not been there waiting for her after work. Three days ago, the blonde would have assumed the worst. That something was wrong with Ashley. But today, she just assumed that Ashley was off banging that waitress from the bar. That was, until she remembered Ashley's words this morning. The conviction in her girlfriend's voice when she said she would never cheat on her, repeated in her head over and over again. She needed them to be on replay as she drove her daughter home, or else she was certain she would have broken down in front of their innocent little girl. And she wasn't going to be the one to put Emilee through that.

"One second, Spence." Ashley hoarsely drawls out. She walks to the door and again, her fingers freeze once they met the lock. "Ten seconds, Spence." The high brunette corrects herself before stumbling to to counter. She grabs a bottle of perfume and spritzes it on both wrists, her neck, under her shirt, over her shirt, and also down both legs for good measure. She gives herself a wink in the mirror at her well thought out tactics to conceal the illegal activity.

Spencer begins to panic at Ashley's odd behavior and hesitancy to open the door. The doubts consumer her again, and she briefly wonders if the slutty waitress is in there right now. "What's taking you so lo-" Her question is interrupted when the door opens.

"Hi Spencer!" Ashley greets her ex-girlfriend with a grin larger than life.

If there is one thing a mother has a knack for, it's recognizing children trying to cover up guilt. Poorly. Spencer realizes that it's not any different with adults. Ashley's face has 'covering something up' written all over it. Not that it needed to. The way she is peeking her head out of the barely open door, suggests she is hiding something in there. She's just tired of it all. She's tired of the games. She's tired of trying to figure Ashley out. So it is no surprise to her when she forcefully pushes the door open, knocking her girlfriend back and against the sink as she storms in expecting to find some half dressed skank.

"Woah." Is all Ashley can say as she tries to balance herself.

Fumes assault Spencer's lungs as soon as she enters. Coughing, she covers her mouth and nose with her hand. She hurriedly navigates around and over photo albums to climb over the side of the tub. With her free hand, she unlatches a lock and pushes open a small window. The blonde takes several breaths of fresh air. She would be lying if she said it was simply to rid her lungs of what her mind has finally registered as air freshener. In actuality, these are breaths of relief. She wasn't sure what she would have done had she confronted another woman in here. She's just thankful that wasn't the case. "You weren't there." She says softly, before turning to her girlfriend with an accusatory stare. She wishes she could muster up some more anger in her voice, but she doesn't know how. They never fought. This was all new to her.

"I wasn't feeling well?" Ashley thinks that this reasoning should work, seeing as how she mentioned that this morning. She just didn't plan on the excuse coming out as an unsure question.

Spencer rolls her eyes. "Are you kidding me, Ash?" She steps out of the bathtub and bends down to pick up some photo albums.

Ashley crouches to help Spencer clean her mess up, but when she raises one of the books, her ex-girlfriend quickly grabs onto it. Spencer doesn't want Ashley's assistance. She just wants Ashley to go back to normal. They end up fighting for dominance over the book until the frustrated blonde yanks so hard that it sends it flying to a teetering position on the toilet. They look at each other challengingly, before they simultaneously lunge for the album. Colliding with each other, their flailing arms knock the coveted item to the floor. Legs tangled and bodies close, they can't prevent the uncontrollable giggles that consumes them. Both realizing just how childish that was.

Spencer is the first to get control of herself. She places her hands on both sides of the toilet seat with the intentions of pushing herself up, but stops when her eyes find the inside of the porcelain bowl. Quickly sitting down, she turns her attention to her girlfriend. "You don't have cancer do you?"

The serious and frightened tone effectively cancels Ashley's laughter. The brunette's head snaps up and she quickly tries to explain. "No Spence, I-"

"Then what is this?!" Spencer interrupts by sticking her hand into the water, picking out a soggy joint, and tossing it at Ashley's chest.

Ashley is momentarily shocked at the watery blue eyed girl's aggressiveness. Without taking her eyes off of the turbulent blonde, she picks the projectile off of her shirt and places it in the waste basket. She tries once more to explain. "I needed something to relax."

Spencer shakes her head in disgust and launches to her feet. She might not have known how to yell at Ashley prior to today, but she figures there is a first for everything. "Relax? RELAX, Ashley?!" Her feet finds a book and kicks it out of the way as she huffs to the door. No. She's not leaving just yet. Taking in a deep breath, she fights the urge to cough at the remaining fumes that just entered her lungs, now understanding the reason for them. She turns around and looks at her girlfriend whom has become a stranger. "You're doing this!" Her finger raises to point at the brunette. "You're the one causing all of this." Her hand retracts to cover eyes that are threatening tears. "Don't play the 'Oh woe is me' card." With a quivering voice she adds, "I don't even recognize you anymore."

Ashley briefly contemplates telling Spencer why that is, but figures it would get her locked into an insane asylum.

Spencer finds strength as a result of her girlfriend's silence. "Go do your drugs someplace else. Preferably somewhere away from our daughter." She steps backward, out into the hall. "And away from me."

The defeated brunette watches the suddenly apathetic woman shut the door and wonders why her heart hurts.


	6. Chapter 6

Dissident: Chapter Six

Spencer sits on the edge of her daughter's grown up bed, picking at the comforter that Ashley had chosen. She chuckles lightly to herself, causing a strand of hair to fall out of the scrunchy and tickle her face. She remembers how her soul-mate would not relent. The 'Family Guy' comforter isn't really appropriate for a five-year-old girl, but she wasn't able to say no to the pouty, brown eyed other half. For some reason, the argument that it was a 'cartoon' made perfect sense to Spencer when it came from the raspy voice that mesmerizes her even to this day.

Turning her head, the stressed blonde gazes down forlornly at the covered form beside her. Watching the rhythmic rise and fall of the life they chose to bring into this world together, she tries to fight the panic coursing through her veins. The unknown. Never, in a million years, would she have thought Ashley would start having regrets. Doubts about their happiness. Questioning the path their lives had lead them. She didn't want to consider a world without her best friend. No. She simply could not even fathom being without her. She is her rock. God... she is her freaking mountain!

She had thought that Ashley would come after her. They had never fought, really, so she honestly didn't know what to expect. Of course they had bickered about meaningless things throughout their relationship. But that was them. Few and far between comments laced with unconditional love underneath. Only happened when they were extra strapped for cash or stressed with work. This was new. This felt like the beginning of the end, to Spencer.

Needing to be close to someone, to feel some kind of warmth, she lifts her legs up onto the bed and snuggles in behind her daughter. Emilee. What would she even tell her wonderfully innocent little girl, if things continued to deteriorate? It would tear her apart. The lump in Spencer's throat and the stinging of her eyes do nothing to make her budge. She had been so convinced that she should stay strong. Keep up a front to protect their child. But right now all she feels is motionless. Moisture soaks through the blanket as it reaches her cheeks, but she doesn't move. Her body lightly spams, struggling to keep her sobs inside, but she will not leave. Because right now, all that is keeping her from having a complete breakdown is the comfort of this third of her family in her arms.

"Mommy?" It's a struggle beneath her mother's tight embrace, but she is finally able to turn toward her. "You OK, mommy?"

Spencer can't face the humiliation of having her daughter see her in tears, so she opts for nodding into the covers.

Emilee frowns. She only remembers seeing her mother cry one time. A few months ago. And she only remembers that because it was hard for her to understand what they meant when they explained that it was a 'good cry'. Mommy Ash had taken her out shopping that day. Let her pick out a pretty ring. Then they all went to dinner in a fancy restaurant. After mommy Ash got on her knee, she whispered something into her other mommy's ear and then put the ring on her finger. There was crying and the young girl thought that mommy Spencer was upset. But they assured her they were very happy and that this was a promise that they would be forever. Then they made her spend the night with papa and grandma.

She reaches down and squeezes the ring on Spencer's finger. "Is it a good cry?" She asks, even though she already knows it isn't.

At that question, the older blonde loses all resolve and sobs loudly into the comforter, holding her daughter painfully close to her.

--

Spencer wakes to an uncomfortable ache in her back. She gently untangles herself from her daughter as to not disrupt her sleep. Sitting up, she rubs at her dry eyes before looking to the window, noticing it is still dark. She pushes herself up off from the bed with a small sigh and heads to the bathroom.

Her hand fumbles repeatedly until it finds the light switch. When she flips it on, the light assaults her, causing her to look down quickly with squinted eyes. After allowing a few seconds for her eyes to adjust, the groggy women slowly walks a few steps and bends down. Laying on the tile in front of the bathtub, tightly holding onto a picture, is her sleeping girlfriend. She softly removes the photograph from Ashley's hand so that she can take a look. Her face betrays her feelings as a half-smile forms from the memory.

_"Stop it!" Spencer giggles as she swats her girlfriend's hand away from her ass._

_Ashley walks in front of her gorgeous blonde and turns around to face her, never stopping their progress. Walking backwards, she reaches to pick some cotton candy off of a paper white cone, before cutely placing it in her own mouth. "Can't help it." She slows, causing Spencer to almost walk into her. "I haven't had you in weeks." _

_Spencer smirks and walks around her husky voiced brunette and jokes knowingly. "I'm sure you meant to say 'haven't seen me in weeks'."_

_Ashley shrugs. "That too." She turns on her heel to catch up. "I hate being away."_

_Nodding, Spencer tilts the blue mound of spun candy toward her girlfriend. "Yeah..." The musician grabs an exaggerated amount of the offered sugar as they continue to walk slowly. "...well you'll be back home soon." _

_The brunette makes a face that Spencer doesn't see and breathes unconvincingly, "Yeah..." _

_Spencer stops and turns to her mostly absent girlfriend with a raised eyebrow. "Right?"_

_Ashley doesn't make eye contact, sure that if she does, she will be read like a book. Spencer has the knack. She got news that morning that more dates had been added to the end of the mini tour she was on. She wants nothing more than to go back home for a bit and spend much needed time with her girlfriend. However, protesting to her manager had gotten her nowhere. It's not like she is super famous and can call the shots. "Of course." She lies. Not to intentionally deceive Spencer. It's just that her blonde beauty had flown in to surprise her. That other talk could wait. She didn't want to ruin the short amount of time they have today._

_Smiling, the blonde leans in and whispers, "You're lying." She gives Ashley a quick peck on the cheek before continuing their walk. "But we'll talk later."_

_Rolling her eyes, Ashley catches up to walk in stride with her girlfriend again. "How do you that?"_

_Spencer shrugs. "Do what?"_

_"Just know."_

_"I know you better than you know yourself, remember?" Ashley is overcome with emotion. She remembers the day she uttered those words to Spencer. How could she ever forget? She made the mistake of sleeping with Aiden. She was just so messed up then. Trying to get Spencer back into her life was the most challenging thing she had ever faced in her young life. It was true. Spencer knew her like nobody else did. Or does. She grabs the cotton candy out of her girlfriend's hand and forces it into a little boy's chest. _

_Before Spencer has a chance to react, she feels herself being yanked into a photo booth. "Ash! wha-?"_

_Ashley closes the curtain quickly behind them, drags Spencer down with her to the tiny bench, and interrupts with a fiery kiss. It had been way too long since they were able to share this intimacy with one another. The brunette pulls away panting, looking into radiant blue eyes. "Did you know I was going to do that?"_

_Grinning, the blonde nods her head._

_Ashley steals another kiss. "You did not."_

_Spencer starts to unbutton her girlfriends jeans. "I knew you would attack me someplace, you perv. I just didn't know it would be a photo booth."_

_The turned on brunette fiddles with the hem of Spencer's shirt._

_"Hey! Are you done in there?" The girls freeze with amused smiles and wide eyes at the intrusion. _

_Ashley turns and peeks her head out of the curtain. "We're going to be awhile." She flashes a mischievous smile. "Lots of pictures."_

_The teenage girl studies her face. "Aren't you Ashley Davies? You're playing in a little bit, right?"_

_"Uh... nope." She quickly shuts the drape, pulls some cash out of her purse, and starts shoving the bills into the machine._

_"Ashley!" Spencer hugs her girlfriend excitedly, making the task of feeding the photo booth difficult. " You just got recognized!"_

_The brunette isn't concerned about being noticed. The only thing she is concerned with is devouring a certain blonde occupant. It really has been too long. And if she is being completely honest with herself, which she is... She has no idea how long it will be before they will see each other again. All she knows, is that even though she is not religious, she will be praying to Spencer's god, that they will be able to keep this relationship in tact. No matter what._

_Once she is sufficiently out of money, she turns to her stunningly beautiful girlfriend. She leans in, gently caressing soft cheeks, and conveys every ounce of emotion through her eyes. "The only person I want to be recognized by is you."_

_Click._

"Ash?" Spencer tucks a stray strand of hair behind the sleeping girl's ear. "Ash, c'mon."

Ashley opens her eyes slowly and recognizes that she is on the floor of the bathroom. Her eyes scan upward to the photograph in someones hands kneeling before her. She doesn't have to look up to know that it is her ex girlfriend, but she does. The sincerity in Spencer's eyes almost knocks the wind out of her. And she feels guilty for the puffiness that is there. Evidence that she had caused the blonde to cry. She allows herself to be pulled to her feet. "I'm sorry." The timidness in her voice surprises herself. She can't remember ever sounding so vulnerable. Not since they were togeth-

"Lets get you changed." Spencer interrupts Ashley's inner monologue. And the musician is relieved, because she didn't like where it was headed.

The reflective blonde tugs once at her girlfriend's hand in an indication to follow her to their bedroom. Ashley follows and stands awkwardly at the foot of the bed as she watches Spencer rummage through dresser drawers. "I was so in love with you, Spencer." She isn't sure why she needed to say that. Maybe she thought the blonde needed to hear it as some sort of affirmation. Maybe she needed to hear it herself. So much for forgetting about the inner musings.

Spencer halts her movements for several seconds. She bites her bottom lip and tries to pretend that she did not just hear the past tense version of the word 'love'. She nods once, when she is convinced that she can continue without bawling like an idiot. She takes a deep breath and carries the clothes to her... to her... whatever she is.

Ashley takes the pajamas from Spencer's hands and lays them on the bed before turning her attention back toward the sad girl. "I didn't mean to hurt you." Spencer isn't sure that is true. But Ashley knows it is, and she isn't just talking about recently. "I don't know what to do." She sits down on the bed in frustration and buries her head in her hands.

Spencer really wanted to avoid this conversation. She thought that if she just went along with their day to day routine and let Ashley figure this stuff out, that she would eventually come back to her. But deep down, she knew this was going to happen. It was inevitable. If Ashley wasn't happy, then she wasn't happy. What could be done to change that? She had always feared that she had pigeon holed her girlfriend into this life. She was selfish and wanted Ashley with her every day. Not just on surprise visits to whatever town she was playing music in on whatever night she was available to up and leave. But the thing is, had she felt that Ashley wasn't 100 percent sure about the decision to settle down, she would never have allowed it. The only thing she ever wanted was for the love of her life to be happy. Spencer kneels between her legs and tentatively removes Ashley's hands from her face. "I love you."

Ashley doesn't make eye contact, sure that if she does, she will be read like a book. Spencer has the knack. "I know."

But Spencer reaches up and guides Ashley's chin to face her. Eyes meeting with sad intensity. The blonde's eyes flutter back and forth, searching the gold specks in her girlfriend's eyes. What she reads is comforting and haunting all at the same time. She doesn't have to ask her distant partner if she stopped loving her. Those beautiful orbs tell her that she hasn't. But those same pupils have confusion written all over them. An ominous penetration that has Spencer scooting backward until her back meets the dresser and she stumbles down to a sitting position. "You're leaving me." It's not a question. She knows it. She read it.

Ashley stands up and begins to pace slowly. Spencer's eyes never leave the foot board as her girlfriend rambles. "I just can't do this, Spencer. It's not me. This isn't my life. I wish... I wish... No. I don't even think I wish it could be." She stops and looks down at the vacant blonde. "I think it would be good for me to go stay with Kyla." She waits for some sort of response, but Spencer doesn't even breathe. "I'm not a mom, I'm a musician!" Ashley quickly realizes that wasn't the right thing to say when her ex girlfriend flies up heatedly and swings open the closet door so angrily that it comes off the tracks.

"You're not a mom, Ashley?!" She grabs clothes off of hangers and tosses them at the brunette. "That's good to know!" She reaches up and yanks a suitcase from the shelf and throws it on the bed. "That's just great." She pushes past Ashley, jerks open a dresser drawer, and pulls underwear out haphazardly strewing them everywhere. "You might have mentioned that before we had Emilee."

All Ashley can do is watch the pissed off blonde. She really doesn't want to hurt her and right now she just wants to hunt down a certain angel and kick the shit out of her for causing so much pain to the woman she loves.

"You're not a mom?" Spencer shakes her head in disgust as she approaches the bed and begins to shove articles into the suitcase. "No, you're a coward."

The coward's eyes are no longer on her ex girlfriend. She's staring at the ground with knitted eyebrows. The woman she loves?

"I can't believe you, Ashley." Spencer moves to the floor picking up the strewn garmets, effectively breaking Ashley from her daze. "You're being so selfish! We made a life togeth-"

Ashley grabs Spencer's arm and yanks her up, before crashing their lips together. Arms and legs and hair get tussled in a kiss that has Ashley remembering and re-familiarizing. That same kiss has Spencer aching and hoping. But one thing is in unison. Their love for each other. Sure, Spencer has always known. And Ashley has tried to block those feelings out of her life for the past seven years. But when it comes down to these single moments when there are no concerts, fans, counselors, teachers, children, or angels... all that is there is the connection of two people. And for Spencer and Ashley, that bond is greater than no other.

Needing oxygen, Spencer reluctantly pulls back, studying Ashley's face questioningly.

Ashley stammers. "I think. I think..." Realization hits her and she opens her eyes to meet Spencer's. "I never stopped loving you."

Spencer doesn't miss a beat. "I know you didn't."


	7. Chapter 7

Dissident: Chapter Seven

While their kissing was passionate, needy, familiar, and filled with every emotion both women were afraid to verbalize; it was left at that. Just that. Sure, it had progressed to the bed, where Ashley was sure if their bodies weren't covered in moisture from perspiration, they would have ignited the 300 thread count sheets. It was hot and she felt her body react like it had back then. Like it hadn't since. And that is why she had to stop.

Ashley apprehensively turns her head to the side, breaking off their hungry lip lock, panting and filled with regret. Not for having initiated their reconnection. She did feel confused and sorry and guilty and out of sorts. But it was out of realization. Angel hadn't hurt the woman she loved. No. Just as her hands were inching upward, underneath Spencer's light blue cotton t-shirt, lightly tracing skin that she thought momentarily probably always belonged to her, she felt the woman on top of her shudder. That wouldn't usually be cause for alarm, and in most cases it would be considered rewarding, but the single tear that fell from the overwhelmed blonde had Ashley pausing. She knew, at that moment, that it was herself that had caused Spencer pain. Nobody else. Then and now.

"Ashley?" Spencer raises herself up on her elbows and tilts her head, attempting to make eye contact with her girlfriend. Even though Ashley doesn't look at her, she can read the sadness in her features. "Talk to me."

The brunette tries to scoot out from underneath but Spencer won't let her. She sighs, brings her hands up to her face as knuckles find residence against her eye lids. "I'm sorry."

Spencer lowers herself down to lay beside Ashley and pulls the other girl so that they are on their sides facing each other. She reaches up and takes her girlfriends hands, entwining them and pressing them firmly at her heart. "What's going on?"

Their words are the softest of whispers. Both women afraid of the outcome. It had been so turbulent between them the past several days. Ashley isn't sure that she can own any of her words and therefore speaks with timid abandon. Spencer is afraid that her girlfriend is going to leave. It results in barely audible sentences in which they both want to speak, but would be perfectly content if the other didn't hear. Because who could tell the future? Who could honestly know the result of the impending conversation? Would their dialogue make them or break them?

Ashley closes her eyes and breathes in. She knows they need to talk. But where does she even start? All of the things she wants to say so badly, she can't. She wants to tell Spencer that she is sorry that she let her career get in the way. Sorry that she betrayed their relationship by locking away their memories. She needs to say all of this but she can't. "There's so much I want to say to you, Spencer."

"I'm here." Spencer squeezes her girlfriend's hands, hoping to give her some strength to continue. Although she is frightened at what could be said, she knows that above everything, Ashley is her best friend. "Listening."

Brown eyes slowly open and find crystal blue orbs gazing back with matched intensity. Ashley knows there is no other set of eyes that could ever disarm her the ways Spencer's always have.

_"Just so you know. I want to have your babies." Spencer grins as she massages the foot on her bare chest. _

_Ashley is barely awake. The soft sounds of warm lapping water had worked to relax her. Eyes shut and hair half submerged, she mumbles "OK."_

_The blonde sets her girlfriend's foot to her side and then lifts the other up, causing the water to ripple enough to seep into one of Ashley's ears. The musician doesn't move. She is too exhausted. "Only five more to go." _

_Spencer loves that Ashley is starting to gain recognition for her music, but the tour has been completely deflating her sexy brunette. It had just been a month since Ashley called and asked her to finish out the rest of the dates with her. She had claimed that she couldn't spend another second without dirty and kinky Spencer sex. Of course, Spencer knew it was Ashley's way of saying she felt alone and it was endearing. So since school was in winter break, there was no reason for her not to spend it with the object of her affection. But she has to admit, she is thankful it's almost over. Being on the road is not something she enjoys. _

_"Mmmhmm." The brunette barely responds._

_Spencer thinks that Ashley is too cute for words. All naked and wet and tired and making unintelligible noises in response to her. "How are we going to make babies if you are always away?" She teases and squeezes one of Ashley's toes playfully._

_Ashley's eyes suddenly open and lock with Spencer's. Spencer is taken back by the intensity, which causes her heart to beat irregularly, and mouth to part. She hadn't been serious at all about that question. She really was just playing. Now she hoped that Ashley wouldn't freak out on her. The last thing she wanted was another semi-argument about how little time they spend together because of Ashley's touring. "I'll quit."_

_Spencer rolls her eyes with a smirk. "Sure you will." She pushes Ashley's foot off of her chest, making a splash. She was just thankful that Ashley was not upset and decided to play along. She sits up and turns around to grab a bottle of shampoo when fingers latch around her wrist and spin her to face those same concentrated chestnut eyes. Only now, they are millimeters away. _

_"I'm serious." Ashley lets her eyes drop between them. Revelling in the closeness. Loving that Spencer is here. Not wanting things to change. Knowing that if this changes, her life changes. For the worst. _

_Spencer eyes Ashley curiously. She doesn't know where the sudden heaviness came from. She assumes that her girlfriend is just thinking crazy as a result of the stressful back-to-back gigs the past few nights. "You need some sleep." She lifts Ashley's chin with her finger and leans in to give her a soft peck on the lips. "Turn around so I can wash your hair."_

_A devious smile forms on the singer's lips as she slowly shakes her head. The blonde's eyes squint and her eyebrows furrow as she tries to read the incorrigible girl before her. "I want to make babies with you." _

_Spencer's head falls back as an uncontrollable laugh escapes. She levels her head and meets Ashley's eyes once again and smiles adoringly. "We can't ACTUALLY make babies, you know." _

_Ashley scoots closer, wraps her arms around her blonde other half, and shrugs. "Doesn't hurt to try."_

_Spencer can't argue with that. But she can argue the fact that her girlfriend is way too tired for those kind of extra curricular activities. "Not tonight." She whispers with affection. "Tonight... we get clean." She reaches back, grabs the shampoo bottle, and squeezes thick goo into her palm. "Then we sleep."_

_Ashley's eyes instinctively close and her head sways as she feels Spencer's fingers massage and lather her scalp. Her girlfriend is right. She feels so worn out. This touring takes way too much out of her. It's too stressful to be out there, playing every night, and always having Spencer on the back of her mind. The constant worry of Spencer leaving her is more than she can take most nights. Deep down, she knows it will happen if she continues to work as much. "I'm quitting when this is over." _

_Spencer's hands stop for a few seconds as she takes in Ashley's words. One time, was crazy talk. Two times... well Spencer just doesn't know what to make of it. She does know that she would never want to be the reason for Ashley giving up her dream. "Stop talking crazy." She reaches down and cups some water into her hands before gently spilling it over her girlfriend's soapy hair. "It's your dream." _

_The brunette wipes the sudsy water from her face so that she can look into those eyes of Spencer's. The brilliant eyes that will forever give her confidence and strength. The astonishing eyes that were meant to be connected with her own. The angelic eyes that complete her. "You're my dream."_

Ashley closes her eyes again, silently cursing herself for having these flashbacks of their past. All it was doing was making her remember. Giving her recollection of those deep feelings that she had for the girl laying beside her. And what good was that going to do her? She isn't going to be here forever... Or so she hopes. Was she really supposed to allow herself to get wrapped up in Spencer all over again? Then what? Angel swoops in, snaps a finger, and voila! Rockstar life without Spencer? "I can't."

Raising her girlfriend's hands to her lips, Spencer lightly speaks with her mouth against slender fingers. "Don't run away." She doesn't recognize her own voice. How scared it sounds. She hates this. She hates herself for not being stronger. She hates that Ashley won't look at her now. She's pulling away and from past experience, she knows that there is nothing she can do to stop it. The inevitable. What she read in her eyes before, is what she read back then. That night at their Junior prom. The catalyst of their first and only break-up. She screamed at her girlfriend to decide between herself and Aiden, and all she got in return was a confused and torn expression. She had hoped she'd never have to see that again. "Don't do this to me... to us." She exhales and closes her eyes. "To Emy."

Ashley pulls her hands away from Spencer's hold and rests them beneath her own chin. "I just feel really..." Her eyes shift from the wall to the ceiling back to the heavyhearted blonde. "claustrophobic."

Spencer shakes her head, disappointingly at her girlfriend for doing this. She had tried to figure out why this was all happening so suddenly. But now she is just tired of trying to understand. She knows that she never will. "Do whatever you need to do, Ashley."

"It isn't you." She doesn't want to hurt Spencer. She's pretty sure that she still loves her ex-girlfriend. That would explain her heart beating at a speed that defies physics. And her mind's betrayal by forcing her to have visions of her former sappy self. But doing this, being here, and loving Spencer, is not going to happen. She can't let that happen. She won't let it. She's Ashley fucking Davies. Celebrity. Musician. Millionaire. Not a wife. Not a mother. She doesn't do suburbia and jobs and Toyota Cam-

"You're telling Emilee." Words out of Spencer's mouth are filled with apathy. One word ringing incessantly in her ear: claustrophobic. Did Ashley really feel as if they were suffocating her?

Ashley nods before sitting up and tiredly propping herself out of the bed. She looks one last time at Spencer. The blonde swears that she observes her girlfriend internally second guessing her decision before walking out the door. When she pulls the covers up over her head and clutches Ashley's pillow to her chest, she thinks of being single and ex girlfriends and bills and how she is going to have to comfort an inconsolable little girl soon.

--

Emilee wakes to a soft tap at her open door. She turns over, wiping the sleep out of her eyes, and smiles at the form highlighted by her nightlight. "Hi mommy."

Ashley tentatively walks in and sits at the edge of mini-Spencer's bed. Her back is turned to the little girl as she stares at herself in a mirror on the wall. "I'm going to be leaving for awhile."

"Like on vacation?" Emilee knew that when you leave it's because you go on vacation. To a really cool place where you don't have to work and you can play all day. Papa Arthur and Grandma Paula always go on vacation and bring her back presents.

Closing her eyes, Ashley lies. "Yeah. Like on vacation."

Emilee suddenly thinks it's strange that her mommy is going on vacation alone. "Where are you going? Can I go?"

The utterly exhausted brunette ducks her head in shame. Or guilt. Or whatever you want to call her overwhelming sense of distraught. "Nowhere. And no."

The younger girl's mind starts to put things together. Mommy Spencer crying and mommy Ashley leaving alone. And although she doesn't know what it means, she does have the sense to know this isn't good. "Don't leave. We can have vacation here."

Ashley stands and walks to the door. She pauses briefly, wondering is she should take it all back. Pretend she was kidding. "Take care of your mom." And with that, she walks out of her daughter's life, out of Spencer's life, and what she supposes is... out of her own life.

Now if she could just find her angel and get back to a life that isn't here.

--

"How long will she be gone for?" Emilee clinks her silverware on her plate distractedly.

"I don't know." Spencer opens up a cupboard with aggravation and grabs a bottle of Ibuprofen off of the shelf. She had been the recipient of about a hundred questions already this morning. Her daughter would just not get the hint that she was not going to provide any answers. After all, she doesn't have any. And that damn clinking. If she hears it one more ti-

"Where did she go?" Emilee's fork makes an aggravated screeching noise as she applies pressure to her plate and drags it toward her.

"Will you stop it?!"

The sound of pills scattering across the floor startles the little girl enough to drop the irksome utensil. "Sorry."

Suddenly so ashamed of herself, Spencer runs to kneel in front of her beautiful daughter. "Emy, no no no. I'm the one who's sorry. Mommy's just a little tired this morning. That's all." She hugs her younger version tightly, attempting to assure the girl that she is not angry with her.

--

"How long will you be here for?" Kyla places a bowl of Grapenuts in front of her seriously disheveled sister.

"I don't know." Ashley scoops the nuts to one side of the bowl repeatedly. There are always some stray nuts that never want to be tamed to one side.

Kyla sits down and pulls her chair close to the forlorn brunette in an attempt to comfort. "Are you going to go bac-"

"Will you stop it?!" Ashley swipes the bowl of cereal causing it to launch off the table, ungracefully scattering the contents across the tile.

Kyla quickly envelops Ashley in a hug and rocks her soothingly. "It's going to be OK, Ash." She strokes the back of her sister's head lovingly. "It's gonna be alright." She can't begin to imagine why Ashley left Spencer. She can't pretend to believe it was anything that Spencer did. She knows her sister well enough to understand that she probably only has herself to blame. But no matter what, she is her family.


	8. Chapter 8

Dissident: Chapter Eight

Spencer walks through the door of her childhood home and sidesteps as Emilee bursts past her hurriedly shouting for her grandma. She was thankful that her daughter hadn't been extremely depressed over Ashley leaving. Internally, she figures that it just hasn't hit the poor little girl yet and suspects that in a couple of days when realization sets in, she will have a lot of consoling to do. She wonders how it will be possible to provide comfort to someone about a situation that she absolutely needs support for herself.

She closes the door and sets her purse down in the entry way. A mirror hangs on the wall above it, and Spencer thinks it's only purpose right then is to insult her. She gives her reflection a mournful glance before setting out to find her mother.

Rounding the corner to the kitchen, she finds Emilee with a Popsicle, perched up on a stool and swinging her feet anxiously. "Hey mom."

Paula Carlin, an older, blonde haired-blue eyed version of herself, mumbles something that Spencer doesn't understand as she searches through the refrigerator.

"Mommy. Grandma is gonna make us a sanwich." Spencer smiles at her daughter's red stained lips and tongue.

"Where's Ashley, honey?" Her mother's question surprises her. She had received a worried call from her father asking that same exact question earlier this morning. She ponders briefly if they even talk anymore.

Spencer walks to the counter and beings to help prepare their light dinner. "I don't know."

Paula raises an eyebrow and sideways glances at her daughter. "You don't know?" They hadn't had the best relationship. She tried so hard to be accepting of her lifestyle choice. But when Spencer had told her she was moving in with her girlfriend so many years ago, it just was too much to handle. She honesty thought it was only going to be a passing phase for her daughter up until that point. They had screamed and yelled and both said things that could never be taken back. It wasn't until Emilee was born, that Paula swallowed her pride and began the process of reconciliation. But a mother will never forget the sound of desperation and heartache. And it doesn't fail to aptly deliver a slight pang in her chest when she hears it in her daughter's voice.

"Mommy left."

Paula freezes mid swipe of mayonnaise. Spencer notices and gently removes the knife from her mother's hand. "Go. I've got this." The way Emilee says that with so much emotion, makes Spencer wince. She hopes that counseling won't be needed.

The older woman breaks out of her reverie. "OK... Emy? I have a DVD in. Why don't you go watch it while you wait for dinner." She walks around the counter, picks up her granddaughter, and walks out of the room. It wasn't really a question.

Spencer tries to finish making the sandwiches, but emotions just bubble up and incapacitate her. Sighing, she lays the utensil on the counter, closes her eyes, and allows her chin to drop to her chest. That has been happening all day. At random times, everything just overwhelms her to the point where she literally can't move. Sometimes she can't think. Most of the time she can't barely breathe. It's like Ashley was this integral piece of her makeup that made her tick. Now that her girlfriend is gone, she's left malfunctioning.

"Want to talk about it?" Spencer would jump in surprise at her mother's sudden re-appearance, but she has to wait patiently for her body to reboot. "Spencer... talk to me."

Slowly, the distressed girl lifts her head and begins to regain enough feeling in her limbs to continue making dinner. "She left. There's nothing more to say."

Paula tries to read Spencer's body language but comes up with nothing. "Is there someone else?"

"No." She sighs. "I don't know." She finishes up the sandwiches, pushes the plate to the side and turns around, leaning back against the counter. "She said there wasn't. But..." She doesn't have the energy to explain. And she doesn't feel like she would do a very good job of it anyway. Everything was so confusing and unexpected. Especially the embrace she abruptly found herself in.

The slightly greying blonde holds her daughter tight and tries to make up for lost hugs. She pulls back and looks deep into her daughters eyes. "That girl loves you." A reassuring smiles forms on her lips. "She'll be back."

Spencer isn't as sure. She watches her mother grab the plate and walk into the living room. It took a breakup for Paula to be a human being towards her. But she'd gladly give up the new-found affection in exchange for her girlfriend coming back home any day.

--

Ashley let herself into the house, knowing Spencer would be working. She was tired of Kyla's multiple attempts to get information out of her. The brunette never was one for opening up to people. Even Spencer most times. And how was she supposed to have a heart-to-heart when anything out of her mouth would most likely get her committed someplace?

Feeling down, she realized how much she turns to her guitar for comfort. But in her impromptu exit the previous night, she had not taken anything but the clothes she was wearing. The need for her trusty instrumental companion resulted in her asking Kyla for a ride to 'pick some things up'.

The two girls sit in the corner of Ashley and Spencer's bedroom, sifting through sheet music.

"This is weird." The younger sister declares, before placing a piece of paper on the ground. She leans back on her hands as she surveys the room. "I feel like we're breaking an entering."

Ashley nods absently as she studies the compositions and lyrics of a particular song she found at the back of a three ringed binder.

Sighing at Ashley's avoidance, she pushes herself up off the ground and walks to the bed, lightly tracing her fingers over a suitcase. "I'm just going to take this to the car." She looks down over her shoulder at her sister for a reaction. She has so much sympathy for the despondent girl. It frustrates her that Ashley won't tell her what is happening with her and Spencer. But she knows that she never really talked to her about that stuff anyway. Spencer was the only person who could ever get her to be an actual human being. "Oookay." She lifts the suitcase off the bed and carries it out the door.

Ashley sits up and reaches over to the guitar stand. Releasing the instrument, she guides it over to her lap. Her fingers trace the inscription for brief seconds, before she grabs the pic that was secured behind strings and places it between her lips. The musician leans over and positions the sheet of paper so that she has a good view of it. After taking some time to strum through chords to ensure it was sufficiently tuned, she begins to play the notes scribbled before her.

She remembers this. God... she remembers this. She begins to sing the lyrics. So soft, it's barely audible. With eyes closed and curly hair falling as she tilts her head down, she is surprised that her memory allows her to continue breathing the words written so many years ago.

_"Blue eyes, blue houses, and blue hearts?" Aiden walks into the musician's hotel room without knocking. "You're so whipped, Ash." He rolls his eyes and plops down onto the sofa next to his best friend. "I could hear it next door!" He reaches for the remote on the coffee table and turns on Sports Center. "Get famous. We need better hotels with better walls."_

_Ashley smiles as she pulls the guitar strap over her head and sets the instrument on the floor. "This is it for me."_

_Aiden squints his little eye in the direction of the female without turning his head. "What's it?"_

_"The tour. I'm going back home." She wasn't sure when she was going to tell him the news out of fear of his reaction. He was her strongest supporter beside Spencer. She sighs, thinking about how distant her girlfriend had become in the last month._

_The handsome boy turns off the TV and positions himself so that he is facing his crazy friend. "No you're not." _

_Defiantly Ashley rebuts. "Yes. I am."_

_"You're talking crazy, Ash." He reaches out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "This is everything you ever wanted." _

_The gorgeous girl looks into his eyes. "Everything I want is in LA right now." She shakes his hand from his shoulder as she turns to face the tv, resting her elbows on her knees. "This is tearing me and Spencer apart."_

_He frowns. "So you're going through a rough patch. Spencer loves you." His hand finds residence on Ashley's back and comfortingly massages between her shoulder blades. "You'll find a way to work it out."_

_Frustrated, Ashley stands up and beings to pace. "No! We aren't going to work it out." She sighs and glares at her friend. "Can't you see that?! The longer I'm away, the worse it gets!" Her chin meets her chest with sadness. "She won't even come see me anymore."_

_Aiden stands and envelops her in a hug. "Awww c'mon. She's just busy with school." Ashley shakes her head into the muscular chest. "You know she'd be here in a drop of hat if you asked her."_

_Shrugging, she looks up into his eyes once again. Her own coated in moisture, she breathes "I don't want to have to ask her to visit." She frowns, now looking at his chin, but thinking of Spencer's angelic face. "I just want to be with her always."_

_He almost winces at how broken she sounds. It is rare when he gets a glimpse of vulnerable Ashley. "So ask her to come on tour with you for good." He wasn't about to let Ashley throw her career away for anyone. Even Spencer._

_Ashley sighs and breaks away from his embrace. She slowly walks to the window and glances out over the view of the bay. "She deserves so much better than that. I'm not the only one with dreams." _

_"What?" He scoffs. "To be a journalist? Please, Ash. She can pursue THAT dream on the road with you." Air quotes punctuating the words 'That' and 'Dream'._

_"No." She says quietly. A small smile forms on her lips. "To make babies."_

_Aiden is sure that if his eyes weren't attached they would have rolled right out the door. Babies? Ashley? That is the funniest thing he had heard in the past year. "Clearly you need some rest." He throws his thumb over his shoulder. "I'm gonna go." _

_As soon as she hears the door click shut, she runs giddily and hops on the bed. She reaches over to the night stand, grabs her phone, and presses 1 before laying it against her ear._

_"Hey." Spencer was surprised to see Ashley's name pop up on her caller ID. Happy, but surprised none-the-less. She hadn't heard from her in so long. Things were just weird between them recently._

_"I love you." Ashley had been dying to say that for god knows how long. It felt like an eternity. She figured it was the appropriate way to start this conversation off._

_Spencer smiles. "Could've fooled me. Generally people who love each other talk more than once a month." _

_Ashley could hear the teasing smile of the hushed voice on the other end of the phone. But the words still hurt her. "Spence." She swallows and turns over to stare at the ceiling. "I want to talk to you every day."_

_"Hang on a sec." The blonde polite excuses herself from the table and walks toward the restaurant entrance. She had a feeling that this wouldn't be the usual ten second 'checking in' phone call she had grown accustomed to over the last several months. She finds a quiet spot in the parking lot, clear of people. "OK. What's going on?"_

_"I miss you." The brunette pouts._

_Spencer sighs. "I miss you too." She feels like these words are so meaningless now. She loves the girl more than life itself, but she can't continue to live like this. Short phone conversations and the occasional booty call when Ashley decides to fly in for a couple of hours... It's just emotionally exhausting. Because every time Ashley leaves, she has to spend a good amount of time recovering from heartbreak._

_"Fly up here tomorrow?" Spencer sighs again, shaking her head. They had already had this conversation. "For my last show?"_

_OK. So maybe they hadn't had this conversation yet. "What do you mean 'your last show'?" The blonde half of the coupling knows that the tour isn't over until 47 days from now. Yes, she counts down every single one of them._

_"I'm done." Ashley draws the phone away from her ear and applies a loud puckering kiss to the mouthpiece before restoring it to it's original position. "Quitting."_

_Spencer looks around the parking lot, wishing there was someplace she could sit down. "To San Francisco? I don't think so, Ash..." She wasn't trying to be heartless or cruel. No, she was actually looking out for herself. She thinks she would completely break if she allowed herself to believe that Ashley was serious, and fly up there, only to have her girlfriend change her mind. She knows, without a doubt, that the beautiful brunette would rather be home instead of touring. But she can't understand why she continues to do it, if it makes her so miserable._

_"You're not gonna come?" Ashley props herself up into a sitting position and stares at the couch that she and Aiden had just occupied. Thinking about how when he told her that Spencer would come in a drop of a hat if she asked her to, she actually believed that to be true. But now... Spencer is rejecting her and she doesn't know what to make of it._

_The blonde leans back against the hood of a car that doesn't belong to her. "Ashley, you've told me you're quitting so many times, I can't even count them on my fingers."_

_"You love me." It wasn't a question from Ashley, but she did need confirmation._

_"Yes, I love you." Spencer raises her fingers to massage the tension in her forehead._

_"Then come see my last show." She fiddles with strings on the comforter. "I promise you. It's the last."_

Spencer leans against the door frame, careful not to interrupt. Not because she doesn't want her presence to be known. Not because she doesn't want to embarrass the singing beauty. No. This is purely selfish on her part. She watches as the ravishing brunette gently rocks back and forth to the rhythm of her perfectly timed strums. Listening to the raw emotion emitted from the soft raspy voice, she recognizes the song and thinks that it sounds better than the first time she heard it.

The last note echos through the room and it's only until it drifts off to the unknown, when Spencer speaks. "Do you think it would have been different?"

Embarrassed, Ashley quickly sets the instrument down and starts gathering up the papers scattered about the floor. "When did you get here? Where is Kyla?"

Spencer slowly walks into the room and bends down to help. "We ran into her outside. She took Emy for some ice cream."

Ashley rolls her eyes. It figures Kyla would try and force some alone time between the two of them.

"So... do you think it would be different?" The blonde repeats her question.

"What?"

"In San Francisco. If you would have taken that offer."

And like a mack truck hitting her at full speed, she remembers the reason for their break-up.

_The crowd at the Warflield goes crazy after Ashley performs her last encore and begins to walk off stage._

_Immediately her eyes find Spencer's and they remain locked until she closes the distance, raises her hands to cup the blonde's cheeks, and leans in for the most gentlest of kisses they've ever shared. It lasts for only seconds, before Ashley pulls back with a nose-wrinkling smile. Spencer's smile matches her own as her eyes glisten with moisture and sparkle as a result of the stage lights. This is it, Ashley muses. This is her dream. Right in front of her. _

_"Ohmygod! Ashley!" Aiden bounds up the steps and almost runs into the couple giving googily eyes to each other. "Oh, sorry." _

_After a few more seconds of reveling in Spencer's loving gaze, she wraps her arm around her girlfriend's waist as she turns to her best friend "What?"_

_Aiden looks from Ashley to Spencer, then back to Ashley. "Can I talk to you alone?"_

_"No." The musician holds the blonde closer to her. "You can say what you need to say in front of Spencer."_

_The beefy boy sighs, wondering if this will turn out well. "There is this guy out there. He books talent for the David Letterman show. They have a cancellation on Friday and asked if you would fill in!"_

_Ashley's eyes lit up for two seconds, before she thought better of it. "Aiden, I told you." She looks to Spencer with a half smile. "I'm done." _

_Spencer frowns, looking down at her feet. She didn't miss the excitement in her girlfriend's eyes. This is a really big opportunity. Could she really ever live with herself if she thought that she had held Ashley back?_

_Aiden notices the guilt in Spencer's stance and decides to use it to press his advantage. "Ash, don't be ridiculous. You can't pass this up!" He looks at Spencer, eyes still focused on the floor. "You'll regret it." He says softly, but loud enough for Spencer to hear._

_The conflicted blonde extracts herself from Ashley's arm. "I think you should do it."_

_Ashley, shocked, turns to look at her girlfriend. "But I-"_

_"He's right." Spencer interrupts. "You'd regret it."_

_The musician grabs her girlfriend's hand and leads her a few steps away for some privacy. "The only thing I'd ever regret is not being with you, Spencer."_

_The blonde kisses her passionately, as if it were the last kiss they would ever have. Only for lack of oxygen do they separate. Spencer holds the stunning brunette tightly and whispers so softly through curly brown locks that it sends shivers down Ashley's spine. "I love you. Do Letterman."_

_Ashley watches in confusion as Spencer pulls away, walks down some steps, and ultimately out of her life. _

The brunette sits back on her heals and looks Spencer in the eyes knowingly. "Yeah... I think it would have been different."

The blonde looks at the sheet music for the familiar song Ashley had just been singing. She smiles for the first time in awhile and sits down on the edge of the bed. "That was the happiest night of my life."

Ashley remembers it as the worst night of her life. And what she now realizes is the reason behind her severe hatred of San Francisco since then.

"I was so shocked when you walked through the door." Spencer lays the music on the bedspread and leans back, looking at Ashley. "You were so dorky." She grins. "Serenading me with this stupid song." She pats the paper twice.

Spencer's grin is infectious, and causes Ashley to do the same. "It's not stupid!"

With amusement, the blonde recites some lyrics from heart. "I am blue. When I can't see you. You're eyes are blue. I'll buy a house that's blue too?" Yes, the song is stupid. But it's their song.

Ashley loves that Spencer knows the words. She wishes she would have been there for that moment. To see her initial reaction. The song wasn't meant to be a masterpiece. She had just been feeling freakishly in love and missing the girl one night in her hotel room. It wasn't the only time she had written ridiculously lame lyrics about her. In her opinion, she always felt like a ridiculously lame person because of Spencer. And she loved it. So the songs just felt right. "I am blue. I want you. Your eyes are blue. Believe this is true." She sings as she walks on knees toward her ex-girlfriend, giggling out the last line.

Tears start to form in Spencer's eyes as she chuckles as well. "I am blue. You are too. There are few. I'd rather do." Spencer tries to sing through her laughter and tears. But it's really only a blubbering mess. Ashley thinks it's adorable.

As the musician reaches her, arms find their way around Spencer's waist, and her head finds residence in the girl's lap. She softly mumbles the next words. "I am blue. The world is blue. Nothing is true. Without you." She wonders how she could have ever not went after Spencer that night. Letterman or Spencer? There was no competition.

"Ash?" The blonde threads her fingers through her girlfriend's hair.

"Hmm?" Ashley is feeling so content and lulled to an almost sleep.

"Are you really not happy?" Spencer just can't believe it. They've made this wonderful life. And are clearly so good with each other.

Ashley breathes in and exhales. She thinks about concerts, and paparazzi, and interviews, and cars, and... "I don't think I've ever been happier than in this moment."


	9. Chapter 9

**Dissident: Chapter Nine**

"What happens next?" Spencer's voice quivers and is barely above a whisper. She wants this to be the start of reconciliation. But she also knows that the confused brunette in between her legs has been so unpredictable lately. Closing her eyes, she continues to run her fingers through brown curly locks that have bunched up against her stomach. If she only gets to do this for a few more moments, she'll be OK with that. She'll take it. Anything is better than the complete emptiness she felt earlier in the day.

Ashley doesn't have an answer for her. All she knows is that this feels good. It feels right. It scares the living daylight out her, though. She is so messed up and doesn't know what to do about any of this. She didn't want to give in to her realization that she loves the blonde girl more than she values her own life. It was easier before. In her other reality. Forgetting Spencer was a better alternative than loving her. Because loving her meant heartbreak, loneliness, pain, and everything else that comes with being denied the person you are fated to be with. It's all so ironic to her. That even in this life, she feels the desperate need to run away and forget the object of her affection. Because this is going to end just as badly; with exactly those same emotions. She is certain.

_"Are you going to take it?!" Aiden calls out from the dressing room. Ashley was busy changing out of her performance clothes in the restroom when Spencer called. Her heart was breaking. She had promised Spencer that the previous tour was the last. But then this other one came up after her Letterman performance that was too good to turn down. This one promised to put her on the map. She still wasn't going to accept it. She really was going to quit, but Spencer insisted. And what Spencer wants, Spencer gets._

_"Tell her I'll her call back!" Ashley hated herself for not taking her girlfriend's call. Not because of just then. But due to the culmination of 10 prior shows and just as many calls she hadn't returned. She needed time to think of a way to make this all work. She couldn't stand to be without Spencer. And the phone calls were killing her. Teasing her. Just taunting her every night, reminding her that the only thing she needed, wasn't there. Her girlfriend. But she didn't want to disappoint Spencer. No. Before she talked to her, she needed to have a plan. Some way that she could balance both career and relationship. Even though they hadn't seen each other since San Francisco, she still firmly believed they had one._

_"Um... Ash?" Ashley barely registers Aiden's voice before the bathroom door is forcefully opened and then just as forcefully slammed behind a very pissed off blonde. _

_"You're ignoring me." Spencer says indignantly as she leans back against the door with her arms crossed._

_"No!" Ashley defends, lying. "How did you get he-"_

_"I flew." The blonde deadpans. "You know... those things with wings? They exist." _

_Ashley flinches, pursing her lips to one side. "I was going to call..."_

_Spencer blows some bangs out of her face in frustration. "No you weren't."_

_"Yes. I was." Ashley walks to Spencer but the blonde holds up the palm of her hand to stop her girlfriend's progression._

_"You don't get to this to me again." Those words hurt Ashley. They cut deeper than Spencer would ever know. Her girlfriend was undoubtedly referring to the time when she bailed for three months and went to Europe. She didn't return Spencer's calls then, either. But this wasn't like that, she tries to reason with herself. When in reality, she should be trying to convince her significant other._

_Ashley didn't know what to do. She didn't want to be a musician if meant that she couldn't be with the woman she loved. It just wasn't fair. All she wanted to do was make Spencer happy. But being on this tour obviously wasn't providing that emotion for either of them. "Spencer... this isn't working..."_

_A light rap at the door stops Ashley from continuing and cause her to miss the pain etched on her girlfriend's face in response to her confession. "Ashley." Aiden's voice bellows through the wood barrier. "You've got that interview in a few minutes." Ashley hangs her head. God she hates all of it. This life always stands in the way of her and Spencer. "Stage in five!" _

_Spencer pushes herself off of the door as Ashley tentatively walks by her to open it. The musician puts her hand on the knob and turns to look at the only woman she'll ever love. "Be here when I get back?" She reaches up and tucks her girlfriend's fallen blonde strands of hair behind her ear. "Please?" _

_There is no reaction, but Ashley doesn't have time to coax one of out her. So she walks out, hoping Spencer will humor her. And she feels pretty confident that she'll be there when she returns because she did fly all the way from LA, after all. _

_It isn't until 35 minutes later, that Ashley comes back to a completely empty dressing room. On the couch lay a bracelet she had gifted Spencer at Prom during high school, a key-chain, and one of her concert fliers. She turns the 8x10 paper over and reads Spencer's handwriting._

_The few words scribbled on the paper are cold and final. Ashley slowly sits down, paper shaking between her fingertips, and closes her eyes before all of the tension and hurt and sadness boil through her veins to the point of explosion. Her hands frantically find the emotionally valuable items on the couch and with impressive superhero force that the impromptu adrenaline provides, throws them across the room. Her guttural scream of heartbreak, though, drowns out the loud sound of their impact with the wall._

Ashley sits up and places both of her hands so that they are lightly gripping the back of Spencer's neck. Her forearms are flush with the blonde's chest as she stares intensely into watery blue eyes.

The blonde falters at the intensity and looks down, before her orbs are drawn back as a result of Ashley's index finger guiding her chin level with her again. She searches every spec and color within the brunette's gaze. She smiles and slightly nods in understanding as tears begin to streak down her face.

Ashley's hands find the top of Spencer's head and she pulls it forward so that their foreheads meet. She nuzzles her right cheek with Spencer's, mixing their tears together, before breathing in and doing the same with the other. "I'm so sorry, Spencer."

The breath on her lips causes Spencer to sob. To finally break down in front of her girlfriend. The weight of everything that happened recently, finally bubbling to the surface. Her body shakes and spasms with each uncontrollable sniffle and hiccup.

"Shhhh. Spence." Ashley absolutely envelops the blonde in her arms and holds her tight. So tight. Her fingers grip fistful of shirt as she gently rocks Spencer. Afraid that if she lets go, she'll lose her again. "I'm sorry." She repeats this over and over again, trying to mute the cries being released into her shoulder.

After several minutes, Spencer's breakdown beings to subside, and she pulls back to look at her beautiful girlfriend. Her eyes are red and puffy and face is streaked with dark mascara. She chuckles through another hiccup as her thumb traces Ashley's jaw.

"What?" The brunette suddenly feels self conscious.

Spencer leans forward and and takes Ashley's bottom lip in between hers. Noses touch briefly before she pulls back with a smile of adoration. "I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world." She grins. "Even when you are a blubbering idiot." She reaches out and attempts to wipe off the smeared mascara with the pads of her thumbs.

Ashley pulls away from Spencer's hands, feigning shock.

Spencer panics just a little bit, afraid that she has ruined the moment, and pushed too far by trying to lighten the moment. God, she couldn't live with herself if she scared Ashley to leave again. But when her gorgeous brunette gives her a nose wrinkling smile and begins to lean into her, she sighs with relief.

"You make me a blubbering idiot." Ashley whispers before kissing her... girlfriend. They both know who really had the waterworks going at full force. But they also both know that it's one of the blonde's habits to deflect. Ashley smiles into the kiss. She knows her. She never stopped knowing her.

"We brought you back some ice cre-" Ashley breaks the kiss with a grin and buries her shaking head in Spencer's shoulder at the interruption. "Oh!" Kyla giggles nervously. She does this strange stutter step like she's trying to decide on whether she should leave or not, before she stops and faces the two girls she caught in a loving lip lock. "So you guys made up?" Kyla questions knowingly. She isn't surprised. The universe seemed to be aligned in a way that meant Spencer and Ashley were meant to be. She doesn't question it anymore. Sometimes, when she is really pensive in thought, she wonders if it really is Spencer and Ashley's world, and everyone else is just blindly living in it. She usually dismisses it as her being jealous of the relationship they share together. But in times like these, when those two girls somehow find their way back to each other against all odds, she really does have to wonder.

Spencer doesn't want to presume that things are back to normal between her and Ashley. They were definitely on their way, but she wasn't about to ruin any progress they had made. So she doesn't answer.

Ashley stands up, leans down and kisses her girlfriend on the top of the head, before walking to her sister. "Nice timing, Ky." She pushes her out the door, and locks it. She raises her voice so that her sister can hear her loud and clear. "Watch mini-Spencer!" She turns around and looks at the stunning blonde. "We're definitely making up." Jesus. Ashley can't believe how sexy Spencer still is after all of these years.

Spencer's eyebrows crease in amusement as she mouths her next sentence. "Mini Spencer?"

Ashley shrugs and yells to her sister on the other side of the door. "For at least an hour!" She knows that Kyla is going to assume that 'making up' is code for 'having sex'. And really, that was what she was trying to imply. She has a reputation to uphold, after all. But when she makes her way over to the bed and sits down next to Spencer. All she wants to do is put her arm around her waist, entwine their fingers with her free hand, and kiss her sweetly. So she does. And they do. For an hour, before they send Kyla home and put Emilee to bed. Together.

--

The next morning, Ashley is woken to relentless knocking. She grumbles and opens her eyes to peek at the slumbering blonde on her chest. She can't help the smile that forms on her lips. She also can't believe that Spencer is still sleeping through the noise. She carefully extracts herself from under her girlfriend and pads her way out of the bedroom, down the hallway, through the living room, and finally reaches the door.

She is greeted with a familiar face. "Special Delivery!"

Ashley looks back into the house quickly before stepping outside and shutting the door behind her. "What are you doing here?!" She says in a harsh whisper.

"Now, now, Ashley!" The woman taps a pen on an electronic clipboard type thing. "Is that any way to start a conversation?" She grins widely as she offers the device to the disheveled brunette. "Sign."

The tired brunette rubs some sleep from her eyes, reluctantly takes the digital clipboard, and signs as instructed. "You've been suspiciously absent." She would try to hide the venom laced in her voice, but she figures 'what's the point'?

Angel flicks Ashley's earlobe which causes her to yelp in pain before lunging toward her. The undercover delivery girl hops backward off the porch, raising her hands in surrender. "Hey! No need to get all violent on me!"

Annoyed, Ashley stops and crosses her arms. This is just ridiculous, she thinks. The angel obviously started with the unexpected violence. Then she thinks of herself as being insane for trying to figure out a way to argue her point to a mystical being. And finally, she resigns herself to the fact that this whole situation is full of crazy. So she doesn't feel so bad. "Why are you here? Taking me back home?!" It figures. As soon as she gets herself in too deep with Spencer, Angel would show up to rip her away.

Angel laughs in an eerily mocking way. "Oh, Ashley." She picks up a brown package and hands it to the brunette. "Not quite."

Ashley eyes her suspiciously. "Not quite? What does that mean?"

"It's not time."

Ashley hates the way Angel always had a cryptic answer for everything. She wonders why she can't just come out and tell her why all of this is happening. She has seen the movie 'Scrooged'. She figured that she was put here to learn something. She just thought that it was to make her realize she had made a mistake by letting Spencer go all those years ago. And she knows it. God, does she know that now. "Then when?"

Angel turns her back to the brunette and walks down the pathway with a sway in her step. "Just came by to check in." Ashley watches as she hops into the UPS van and drives off without another word.

--

"Really, Spencer. We own one car, and you waste money on stuff like this?" Ashley couldn't be mad at the girl. Buying lame products off of those stupid infomercials is something that she had done forever. She remembers how excited Spencer would get when one would come in. And she remembers how excited she would get when Spencer would call to give her the full rundown of whether it actually worked or not.

Spencer moans into her pillow. "Sleeping."

Ashley hops on the bed beside her, opened package in hands. She lays it on Spencer's back, ruffles through Styrofoam peanuts, before taking out the box inside. "What the hell is a Ped Egg?" She raises it and exaggeratedly turns it in all different directions. She pretends to study the picture knowing that Spencer would have an eye open and watching her.

Spencer turns slightly so that she can grab the package and move it from her back. She sits up and snatches the Ped Egg box from her girlfriend's hands and pouts. "It's to scrape the junk off your feet."

"Junk?" Ashley scoffs and takes the box back again. This time reading the directions on back. "I don't have junky feet."

The blonde grabs it again and leans back, holding it away from Ashely. "Then I guess you won't need to use it, then."

Ashley smirks before she throws the covers off of Spencer. "Does Spencer Carlin have gross feet?!"

Spencer squeals and tries to turn and hop off the bed, but she is too slow. Ashley had already pounced on top of her. She would enjoy the view of Ashley's flannel pj covered ass in her face if her girlfriend's fingers weren't tickling the souls of her feet. She squirms and wiggles. The sensation so unbearable, she feels she could quite possibly die. "Stop it, Aaash! Don't." She whines and giggles as she swats Ashley's bottom repeatedly with the Ped Egg box. "Enough! Come oooon!"

"Mommy?"

Both women stop with raised heads toward their daughter standing at their bedroom door. Their position is questionable and their faces are flushed and look as if they were kids being reprimanded for misbehaving.

Spencer is the first to speak. "Emy, honey. Why don't you go brush your teeth and we'll be out in a second."

Emilee nods and walks out the door sadly. They were having a tickle fight. It looked like fun.

The blonde grabs Ashley's hips and pushes her off of her. She raises herself up and changes position so that she is laying eye to eye with her girlfriend at the foot of the bed. After several seconds of eye gazing and shy smiles, Spencer says "I missed you."

Ashley puts her arm around Spencer's waist and draws circles around the small of her back beneath. "Yeah?" She doesn't have to ask what she means. She knows. She wonders briefly, if she will continue to be missed even though she has decided to stay. Because how similar can she actually be to her other self anyway?

"Mmm Hmm." The blonde bats her eyes scoots a little bit closer.

Ashley can't stand the cuteness anymore. "I missed you too." She gives in and captures Spencer's lips with her own.

As their tongues being a loving slow dance within the caverns of their mouths, Ashley realizes that the only angel she needs is right here in her arms.


	10. Chapter 10

Dissident: Chapter 10

**Dissident: Chapter 10**

"Em." Spencer peeked over her folded newspaper with stern eyes. She didn't speak because she shouldn't have to. Nothing grates on the older blonde's nerves more than trying to read the paper and being distracted by the repeated clanking of spoon against bowl. They've talked about this and Spencer is tired of having the same conversation every morning.

Emilee turned her head and looked with pleading eyes to her other mom for support. When she was only offered a shrug in return, she laid her spoon down in resignation and mumbled a pouty "Sorry."

Ashley wondered if her other self would have stuck up for the little girl. Her eyes slowly drifted over to Spencer to gauge her reaction. It isn't as if her eyes hadn't been all over the blonde this morning anyway. She was met with a cute half grin before her girlfriend quickly diverted her gaze to the newsprint in front of her. Ashley would have smiled. She should have been smiling. This is the only life she ever truly wanted for herself. A life with Spencer.

"Take a picture. It'll last longer." Eyes never leaving the paper, Spencer grinned playfully.

So Ashley smiled then. Because how could one not form when that gorgeous blonde makes a comment that is meant to be funny, but really isn't. This was oddly familiar to her. She's remembered Spencer all over again. She was never funny, as much as she tried to be. Always a little dorky. But amusing at the same time. It wasn't the humor that attracted Ashley to her. No. It was just that she had a good heart. The only person to ever love her dispite everything. And god, did she love her. It was so intense at times. She wonders how she was able to live without that.

She thought back to her nights of touring, talk shows, interviews, and girls that she slept with. Did the industry love her? Yes. Did the fans love her? Yes. Was she happy? Yes. No. YES. She was definitely happy...right?

"Where are you?"

Ashley shook the thoughts out of her head and focused her attention on Spencer. The blonde's elbows rested on the table, chin in hand, with a face of concern directed toward her. "In another lifetime." The soft spoken admission surprised Ashley for a split second before realizing that Spencer would never have a clue as to it's truthfulness.

"Mom." Emilee interrupted, which caused Spencer to reluctantly turn her head away from Ashley. "Not you, mom. MOM mom." The brunette looked over expectantly. "No more vacations?"

Ashley shoveled a spoon of Grapenuts into her mouth and says "No". Then felt guilty for lying as visions of Angel as a travel agent float through her mind.

--

"So then he like... said I was gay! GAY! I've probably fucked more girls than he's patted guys on the rear."

Ashley's eyes widened a bit. "Ooookay." She nervously picked at the corner of a manilla folder trying to think of something to say.

"No offense."

She looks up and watcheed Brendon nod to something over her shoulder. Following his gaze, she looked back to see a picture of her and Spencer on the cabinet. Rolling her eyes she faced him again. "None taken."

"So... lesbian. That's pretty hot." He said with a smug expression.

"Now it's taken." Ashley deadpanned as she gave him the evil eye.

"Sorry."

Ashley really didn't care. She just wanted to give him a hard time. She's good at that. The counseling thing? Not so much. 'Don't you have to have an education to do something like this?' she thought to herself as her eyes scanned the walls.

Brendon watched her curiously. "I'm not really like that." Ashley gave him a 'mmm hmm', clearly distracted. He awkwardly continued. "I have a friend. That's a girl. Who's into girls." His counselor stood up, and for a moment he flinched, thinking that she was going to attack him for thinking he's a homophobe. He cautiously followed her movement toward the wall just next to the door. Happy that she had decided to spare him his life, he said more than he should. "I watch the LWord. You know... for the education."

This time, Ashley turned around to glare at him.

"What?" Brendon questioned, feigning innocence.

Ashley didn't answer. Instead, she returns her focus to the framed document on the wall. She ran a fingertip over glass, leaving a small streak. "Wow." She muttered in disbelief. Never, in a million years, would she have imagined herself ever being a college graduate. She finds it hard to believe that could happen in any reality. Yet there it is. Her name. On a diploma.

A knocking at the door startled Ashley from her wonderment.

Peaking through the door, Arthur asked "Ash. A word?" He nodded in the direction of the hallway and the college graduate followed him out of the office.

--

"Mom, I know what I'm doing." Spencer dumped the contents of her Quiznos basket into the trash before laying the container on the tray directly above. She walked over to the soda fountain to poor herself a refill before they leave.

Paula repeated the previous action of her daughter. "Sweetie, I just don't want you to get hurt."

The younger blonde sighed while reapplying the lid on her drink and leaned her hip against the counter. Her rising stress level reminded her of why she never agrees to spend lunch break with her mother. "So what was the other day?" She looked up into matching blue eyes. "Telling me she would come back to me. You were right. And now you suddenly think I'm moving too fast?"

"Spencer, you know I just want to protect you... and Emilee."

"I should have known." Spencer rolled her eyes and walked out the door.

Paula follows. "What was that?" Surprising her, she was met with a fountain soda being waived in her face after her daughter turned around abruptly and apparently infuriated.

"You never approved of me and Ashley, mom! And when you thought that it was over between us, you were so comforting and concerned." Spencer scoffed in sudden realization. "You would have been a better actress than doctor."

Her mother cringed at the disgust in her daughters voice. "It isn't like that."

"What's it like, then? Because from where I'm standing, it sounds like you want things to be over for me and Ash."

Paula took a few moments to gather her thoughts. She was treading on thin water here. It was true. She never wanted her daughter to build a life with Ashley. It would have been so much easier for her, if she had fell in love with a handsome and well adjusted young man. And she had always had a grudge against the brunette musician. She had a promising career and so much money. Then blew it all away pursuing that crazy dream of starting her own record company that left her and her daughter financially strapped. Selfish and irresponsible. But it hadn't surprised her. That had always been her opinion of Ashley. The singer would forever put her own wishes above her daughters. But she couldn't say all of that now to Spencer, who was clearly very upset. She really did want to try and set asside her feelings in order to have a decent relationship with them. "Did you talk to her about the cheating?"

Perplexed, Spencer turned on her heel and started a brisk pace to her mother's SUV and shouted over her shoulder. "Of course!" But she was internally kicking herself. Deep down, she knew that her mom wasn't completely off base. They hadn't really gotten into all of the reasons Ashley was so out of sorts recently. She wanted to have that conversation with Ashley, she did. But she was afraid. She wanted to believe that the love of her life hadn't cheated on her. She knew her better than anyone. Better than her girlfriend knew herself. And that was what was puzzling to her. She knew that Ashley wasn't lying to her when she said she didn't cheat. But her eyes revealed a different story. And Spencer just couldn't comprehend how that was possible or what it meant.

--

"You owe me."

Ashley turned to her impromptu chauffer. "Huh?"

Brenden smirked without taking his eyes off of the road. "For the herbal medicine you extracted from my pocket the other day."

"Oh, please. I gave you a twenty." It should have bothered her that she was talking about a drug deal with her teenage client, but it really didn't. After all, she was him in high school. Or he was her. Either way, she didn't see the harm in it. Kids are kids.

"I don't know when the last time you bought... stuff. But it's worth more than that." He turns a corner purposely sharp, causing Ashley to latch onto the handle above her passenger window. "Old lady."

Annoyed, Ashley rolls her eyes. "I get a discount for being your counselor." She looks out the window and point just ahead. "This is it."

Brenden pulls up in front of the house and watches as Ashley opens her door. "Aren't counselors supposed to discourage... that kind of thing?"

The brunette was sure that she probably should have. But what's done was done. "Wait here."

--

Spencer pulled into her driveway, next to an unfamiliar car. She sighed. Today had been a really long day for her. Her class was unusually poorly behaved, had an extremely exhausting lunch with her mother, and to top it all off, she had gone to pick Ashley up from work, only for her dad to tell her she left early to get Emilee from daycare. She really didn't want to deal with having company over right now. "Great." She mumbled, before grabbing her bag from the passenger seat and taking one last discouraging look at the vehicle next to her.

After sluggishly opening the door to her house, she was immediately attacked by their over-anxious family pet. "Cookie, get down!" She swatted him down, placed her bag on the entry table and walked toward the living room. What she saw stopped her in her tracks. There, on the ground in front of the t.v., sat the two most beautiful people in her life.

"Jump, JUMP!" Ashley yelled, completely into whatever was happening on the screen.

Spencer watched as her daughter pressed buttons frantically, swiftly moving the controller up in the air as if the action would somehow help make Mario jump away from the shelled turtle more quickly. The cartoony music revealed his fate as Mario flew down the screen.

Ashley put her arm around Emilee and squeezed a bit before letting her go. "It's OK. It just takes practice."

"Since when do we have a Nintendo?" Spencer leaned against the frame of the hallway, amused.

The brunette turned her head so fast that she could have gotten whiplash, but all was forgotten as she looked over the couch and into her girlfriend's gorgeous blue eyes. A smile crept on to her face as she stood up. "We did some shopping this afternoon."

Spencer eyed her girlfriend suspiciously. She knew that look. She was definitely up to something. But when Ashley wrapped comforting arms around her waist and buried her head in the crook of her neck, she didn't care. She was glad to have Ashley back. So happy to be able to feel this type of affection from her. It was so amazing how her bad days could be forgotten by just a simple loving embrace from her soul mate. "Mmm hmm?" Is all Spencer could say as her own arms instinctively encircled the brunette's upper body.

Ashley pulled back slightly to give Spencer a delicate kiss to her lips. She moved her hands down to entwine their fingers together. Swinging them cutely, the brunette bashfully smiled and ducked her head. "I have a surprise for you."

Spencer watched Ashley blush with embarrassment. And right then, she was sure that she would die a slow death if she was never able to hear that timid child-like voice from her girlfriend again. She was too cute for words, which was why that instead of responding, she was completely grinning like a stupid teenager with a crush. She allowed herself to be tentatively tugged out the front door and across the path to the driveway.

Ashley brought Spencer's hand up to her mouth and gave it a soft peck before releasing it and walking in front of the black, 2008 Toyota Avalon. She turned around with closed eyes and inhaled nervously. When her eyes opened, they were gleaming. A nose wrinkling smile appeared as her arms raised to showcase the vehicle. "Tada!"

"Tada?" Spencer was confused. She had forgotten that they had company. And who could blame her for being distracted by her insanely hot girlfriend? She just wondered who it could be. And where they were. And why it was a surprise. She looked over Ashley's shoulder to peek inside the windows. But nobody was there. Then she internally bemoaned herself because surely she would have noticed if someone was in there when she had first pulled up.

Ashley pulled a key out of her tight fitting jeans and raised it toward her girlfriend. "It's yours."

Once again, Spencer found herself speechless. But this time it wasn't because she was feeling like a crushing school girl. No. This time she was feeling like an upset significant other. "Ash... we don't have the money to make payments like that." She shook her head in disbelief before looking at the ground. What was UP with her girlfriend these days? She didn't know how much more of an emotional rollercoaster she could be put through. Before she could protest any further, she felt Ashley grab her hand and pull her toward the vehicle.

"We don't have to."

Spencer watched as Ashley opened the driver's side door. She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms. "What do you mean, 'We don't have to?'"

Ashley was becoming a little agitated. She thought that Spencer would be way more receptive to the new car. She shut the door and leaned against it, crossing her arms in the same way as her girlfriend. "I paid cash for it."


	11. Chapter 11

**Dissident: Chapter 11**

"What?!" Spencer looked at Ashley so incredulously that she was certain she had never seen the blonde look so… cranky. "With what money, Ash?!"

"Um..." Ashley squirmed against the car door as she shuffled her feet. She had purchased the vehicle because she thought that it was needed after the daycare called Arthur saying they were unable to reach her or Spencer. Emilee had gotten sick and needed to go home. Arthur was busy with a client, so Ashley asked Brenden to give her a ride. It made sense that they should both have a car so that they didn't inconvenience anyone again. And she wanted to surprise Spencer. She had played the scene in her head all afternoon. It usually ended with an excited squeal from her girlfriend, a passionate embrace, and a lot of sweet kisses. But cautiously eyeing the infuriated blonde before her, she came to the realization that she had more than likely made a slight misjudgment. Lowering her eyes, she spoke meekly "Savings…?"

After taking a deep, calming breath, Spencer walked directly in front of Ashley. She reached up and turned her chin, forcing the brunette's eyes to meet her own. "Savings." She searched the flecks in Ashley's eyes to see if she could read exactly what was going through that head of hers. "As in, 'Emilee's college fund' savings."

Ashley felt like she was being spoken to like she was a child. Spencer hadn't asked, she said it as a statement in a tone that sounded reprimanding. She shrugged and tried to look anywhere but at Spencer. But her girlfriend's tight grip on her chin made it difficult. "We need two cars." She tried to defend. She still firmly believed that. And Spencer shouldn't be driving that old Toyota Camry. It could break down at any time. She wouldn't want her to be stranded anywhere. Ever.

Frustrated, Spencer dropped her hand and laid her forehead on Ashley's shoulder. "We need two cars more than Em needs an education?" Who was this impostor? And what had she done to her Ashley? The one that decided to go to college so that she would be able to provide for their family. The girl who was too ashamed to accept money from her sister any longer.

Ashley could barely understand what her girlfriend had mumbled into her chest so she attempted to explain how it came about. "When your dad told me that the daycare couldn't get a hold of us today... and that I needed to go get Em... it just... occurred to me that I didn't have a car." She wasn't sure if she should, but she wrapped her arms around Spencer anyway. Gently stroking the small of her back. "And yours is so old... I just thought it made sense."

Spencer was exhausted and confused. Obviously she was upset at this completely irresponsible and impulsive purchase that her girlfriend decided to make without her. But at the same time, she didn't want to fight with her. And being honest with herself, she realized that she couldn't fight with Ashley. Not after they just reconciled and had never felt more relief in her entire life. She squeezed her arms between the car and her brunette, holding her tight. Needing to feel her. "It doesn't make sense. But I love you anyway."

She was still mumbling into her chest, and Ashley could only make out something about love. So she figured she was out of the dog house. "It wasn't all of it, Spencer." She gently pulled her girlfriend out of the embrace so she could look at her. "Instead of going to Harvard, she'll have to go to junior college first."

And just like that, Spencer was smitten with Ashley all over again. That cocky yet lovingly teasing little smile and simple statement made the situation seem lighter than it really was. She wanted to kiss her then. Passionately. But before she could process the movement, Ashley raised the key between them and brought it directly in front of her face.

"Go on. Take it for a spin."

Spencer's hand went to grab the key, but instead wrapped around Ashley's fingers. She pulled her girlfriends hand to her mouth and gave it a sweet kiss, before finally taking the key. "Thank you."

Ashley wordlessly stepped away from the car and opened the door for Spencer. Her chivalry was rewarded with a flirty kiss on the lips before the girl slipped into the driver's seat. She was staring off into the street, phased by how forgiving Spencer was. She honestly hadn't thought about Emilee's college fund at all when she had made the purchase. And when Spencer questioned her about it, she half wanted to drive it back to the dealership right then. So why did her beautiful blonde girlfriend give in so easily?

"OH MY GOD!" Ashley jumped at the high pitched squeal that just erupted from within the car. "The stereo has an Ipod hookup!"

Smiling, Ashley closed the door gently and walked backward toward the garage. She watched Spencer fiddle with buttons, levers, and consoles for several minutes before the girl finally turned the ignition and backed out of the driveway.

When the car was out of sight, Ashley reflected on what just happened. It may have been completely out of order, but in the end, it played out exactly as she had envisioned. Squeals, embraces, and kisses.

She decided right then, that there was no way she could have been genuinely happy in her other life. Not without those things. Not without Spencer.

--

Ashley was getting tired of watching Emilee kill Mario in the first section of the first level of Super Mario Bros every single time. She glanced at her watch. 7:30 was earlier than usual, but what the hell? She thought she'd give it a try. "Emilee." She tugged the controller out of the little girl's hands. "What do you say we get you ready for bed?"

Emilee showed the most adorable pouty confused expression on her face that almost had Ashley retracting her statement.

Instead, she rose to her feet and held out her hands to help the girl off the floor. "I'm tired and want to go to bed. It's been a long day."

Reluctantly, Emilee grabbed on and was surprised when Ashley flung her up into her arms and begun walking to her bedroom. "Mom usually tucks me in."

Ashley angled her neck so she could look at mini-Spencer. "Oh, you'll live." She stepped inside and tossed the girl playfully on the bed.

"Where's mommy?"

Distracted with rummaging through drawers trying to find pajamas, Ashley mumbled "I told you earlier. She's out showing off her new car."

"No. My other mommy."

Ashley wasn't sure if it was the knowing statement or the way the little girl said it that made a shiver run down her spine. Either way, there was no mistaking the accusation. She turned around slowly. "What do you mean?"

There was no response. Just a stare that was intense beyond the little girl's years. Ashley smiled genuinely, and then turned around to resume her search of pajamas. "Here we go." She stood up and approached the bed. Setting down the clothes down on the comforter, she motioned for Emilee to undress.

The younger girl crossed her arms.

"C'mon, Em. Lift." Ashley pried her arms open, raised them above the girls head, and began to take off the shirt.

"No!" Emilee abruptly tore her arms away from the brunette and sat down in defiance.

Sighing, Ashley lowered herself onto the floor so that she was on her knees and rested her chin on folded arms at the bed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Emilee hesitantly nodded.

"Ask me."

The little girl was silent for a long while. Her eyes traveled all over Ashley's face to find some kind of flaw. "You look exactly like her." She finally said.

"I am her."

"Are you an alien?"

Ashley couldn't help the chuckle that escaped before she softened her eyes once more. "Sometimes I feel like it."

Emilee moved to lie on her stomach, elbows in front of her and chin on her hands. Ashley thought she looked cuter than ever the way her knuckles were scrunching up her cheeks so that her eyes looked adorably squinty. She thought briefly about how adorable an older blonde is when she squints, too. "Is mommy coming back?"

Ashley frowned and whispered truthfully. "I don't know, but I think so."

"When?"

The brunette lightly shrugged. She really didn't have an answer to that. It was funny how just a few days ago, all she could think about was getting out of this life, but right then... she was afraid of it.

"When she comes back…will you stay?"

She felt a lump in her throat as her eyes began to sting. Not wanting Emilee to see it, she buried her head into her arms. "Probably not."

The weight on the bed shifted and she could feel movement. But Ashley had to collect herself for a bit longer. When she was finally able to force herself to look up, Emilee had undressed, put on the pajamas, and tucked herself in. "I like you." She said so easily. As if she were saying it to some new playmate she had just met.

Ashley raised herself off the bed and leaned down to give Emilee a kiss on the forehead. She moved her mouth to the little girl's ear. "I like you too, mini-Spencer."

When she moved away to gauge the girl's reaction, she was relieved to be rewarded with a goofy grin.

She turned off the light and walked out the door, shutting it behind her. 'Shit!' she thought. She turned around and opened the door so there was about a one inch crease. Then, curiously, she opened it a bit wider to stick her head through. "Em?"

The little girl turned over to her side expectantly waiting for the brunette's question.

"How did you know?"

Ashley was surprised at the girl's response. She spouted off the reasons as if there were no end. "…and mommy wouldn't leave, she touches mom more, and… she knows where my pajamas are."

--

When Spencer walked in the door, Ashley was standing there in the entry way looking intently at family photos. She placed the car key on the table and watched the brunette for a moment. She was clearly in her own world. She approached her girlfriend from behind, slipping her arms around her waist. "Thank you." Resting her chin on Ashley's shoulder and nuzzling into her cheek she whispered. "Again."

When Ashley didn't respond, Spencer tightened her embrace a bit. "What's wrong?"

The ex-musician traced a photo of Spencer holding Emilee in the hospital. "I missed you." Of course, Ashley was referring to the seven years spent without her. But Spencer couldn't know that.

"I stopped by my parent's house to show my mom and dad the new car." She tugged at Ashley's shirt playfully as she spoke into her ear. "But be warned, Miss Davies… Mrs. C is definitely upset with you."

This got Ashley to smile. Some things never change. She turned around and unconsciously started stroking up and down Spencer's arm with her thumb as her gaze became fixated on the top button of her blouse. "You're a good mother."

"So are you." Spencer husked and walked forward, causing Ashley to step backward until her back met the wall. The blonde placed one hand on the wall beside her girlfriend's head while her other hand played with strands of curly brown strands of hair.

Ashley's head was swimming with emotions. She knew she wasn't a good mother. But her other self probably was. No. If Spencer said so, then she definitely was. She would believe anything that came out of Spencer's mouth because she was incapable of lying. But that wasn't her, was it? Ashley in this life was not the same as her in her other one. Completely different people. And did that mean she was betraying Spencer? Fooling her? Misleading her? She needed some kind of proof that Spencer loved her. HER. So she asked timidly, knowing that there was no way to get the answer she was looking for. "Why do you love me?"

Spencer smiled. "Because you write ridiculously cheesy love songs about me." Ashley was mesmerized as she watched Spencer's lips gravitate toward her cheek and kiss it. "You're sexy." The blonde placed another extremely soft kiss on her collarbone. "You buy me crazy expensive gifts with money we don't have." She bit down on Ashley's shoulder, eliciting a whimper before making her way to her ear. "You're my best friend…" She hovered there, breathing and shaking a bit. "And… I need you."

Ashley latched on and clung to Spencer as if she were going to be taken away from her. She buried her head in her neck while her hand caressed Spencer's head into hers. They slowly hugged, rocked, and swayed while tears soaked each other's shirts. It was all her. The reasons Spencer gave were all her. They would have been the same in either lifetime. Ashley pulled away, entwined their fingers and began to drag Spencer with her toward their bedroom.

Spencer sniffed and blinked her eyes so that she could focus on the brunette. She wanted this. She didn't just want. She desperately needed to reconnect with Ashley intimately. But she also had to be responsible. "Em-"

Ashley cut her off. "Asleep."

As the brunette hurriedly walked them through the living room, the Super Mario Bros theme music serenaded them. "Ash, the Nintend-"

"Leave it."

Spencer's heart skipped at the urgency in Ashley's voice. She couldn't argue with that.

The teary eyed brunette directed Spencer to sit down on the edge of the bed. She walked to the door, closed it, and twisted the lock on the handle. Her fingers were jittery. Her palms were sweaty. Her stomach was flip flopping. She took a deep breath and turned around to stare into fierce blue eyes. There was no backing out now. Even though she had an overwhelming urge to run away, she had an even stronger one to stay.

"Are you OK?" Spencer asked, accurately reading Ashley's indecision.

Ashley walked to stand directly in front of Spencer. Slowly. The blonde thought she could have went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and came back in the amount of time it took her girlfriend to reach her. But when Ashley motioned for her to stand, the only thoughts she had was of the breathtaking brunette before her.

Spencer watched as Ashley's eyes roamed all over her clothed body as if she were seeing her for the first time. It was intimidating. Powerful. Filled with love and lust and memorization. She felt herself shake as if she were siphoning Ashley's nervousness into herself. Ashley's fingers trembled as she unbuttoned Spencer's blouse. The blonde was surprised that her girlfriend didn't remove the piece of clothing before moving down to her dress pants. She heard her belt being undone, then felt a series of tugs as the leather strap was pulled from her waist at one end. Ashley dropped it to the floor and moved to undo the single button.

Then Ashley stopped.

Spencer wasn't sure how she could be feeling so exposed when Ashley had been so particular about not actually… exposing anything. And she was scared. Absolutely terrified that Ashley was going to walk away. If she did, what would it mean? Ashley's pause in routine had Spencer's mind going crazy with insecurity. Maybe Ashley had been unfaithful. That could explain why she is nervous. Why else would she be nervous? They have had sex more times than the amount of Jelly Belly's that are produced every year, probably. 'OK. That's ridiculous' she thought. 'They make a LOT of Jelly Belly's'.

Fingers making circles around her belly button made Spencer realize why that train of thought came to her. Feeling those delicate fingers inch upward and trace the underwire of her bra caused her breath to hitch. Ashley was killing her. Absolutely demolishing her senses. Making her feel like she was in high school again and this was the first time they were going to make love.

And Ashley _was _loving her. Every touch was telling her so. Each light scratch of her nail was punctuating the emotion she was keeping at bay. The brunette moved her hands up to Spencer's shoulders and slid the white blouse off so that it fluttered to the floor. Ashley had forgotten how beautiful her girlfriend's breasts were. She was torn between devouring them right then or cherishing this moment that was seven years in the making. The latter idea won over, amazing even herself at how much restraint she had. Her hands dropped and unzipped Spencer's pants.

"Sit down." Ashley whispered sweetly. Spencer complied and her girlfriend knelt down, raised one leg, slipping off a black pump. Then raised her other, slipping off it's twin. She leaned forward and stuck her fingers in the waistband of Spencer's pants, softly asking "Help." The pants slid off easily as Spencer raised her hips. After the article of clothing had been discarded to the growing pile of garmets, Ashley stood and walked right between Spencer's legs so that her knees came in contact with her girlfriends inner thighs.

This time, when Ashley stood still, it felt like time stood still for Spencer. The penetrating gaze of those dark eyes was going to be the end of her, she was certain. She felt even more exposed than before. And rightfully so, as most of her clothing lay in a heap at her feet. It was hard for her to wrap her mind around what was happening. How it was possible for Ashley to look at her like she was looking for the first time. Or in a long time. She watched as Ashley lifted a leg and positioned it on one side of her and then repeated the action with the other. Straddling her. Sleek hands and tender fingers cupped her face as the distance between them decreased so anticipatingly slow. She could feel Ashley's breath on her lips. Tenative short breaths. Spencer tried to close the distance but those hands held her in place until their foreheads met. Spencer was looking. Waiting. And then she didn't have to wait any longer.

"Promise me." The nervous brunette mumbled with a shaky breath.

"Anything."

Ashley applied pressure with her upper body, effectively laying Spencer on her back. She adjusted her arms so that they rested on either side of her girlfriend's head with hands lightly stroking her hair. "That you'll never stop loving me."

"I'll couldn't stop loving you."

The brunette lowered herself completely until her mouth was positioned at Spencer's ear. "In any universe?"

Spencer couldn't remember a time when Ashley was completely vulnerable like this. "In any galaxy." She assured.

"For infinity?"

"And beyond." It was quiet for moment, before they simultaneous started chuckling.

Ashley lifted herself so that she could look into her girlfriend's adoring eyes. "OK, Buzz. I'll hold you to that."

"OK, Woody. I'll count on it."

And that was it. Ashley sealed the deal with a kiss that would make any romance novelist jealous. A kiss so passionate and filled with emotion that words couldn't do it justice. When they touched and explored, they discovered themselves all over again. It didn't bother Spencer that it felt so new. Because it also felt exactly right. And Ashley was so far gone. She felt her heart heal and she hadn't realized that it was broken. So many years she pretended that her life was OK without her soul mate. But this night was clarifying in it's intensity. Ashley would never be able to live in a world without Spencer. Ever again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Dissident: Chapter 12**

Ashley had laid awake in bed, trying not to fall asleep. She was afraid that if she were to close her eyes, she would drift back to another reality. One that she wasn't sure she wanted to return to anymore.

When the alarm clock went off, she carefully leaned across Spencer and silenced it. She paused, hovering over the beautiful woman. Her eyes traced the curves of her face, fullness of her lips, unique shape of her eyebrows, and the fluttering of eyes beneath her closed lids. It felt important to remember this moment. To memorize the love of her life all over again.

She leaned down to leave a feather light kiss on her girlfriend's forehead before lowering herself and cuddling into the crook of the blonde's neck. Spencer stirred for a few seconds, but relaxed when Ashley's hold tightened as to say 'it's not time to get up'.

Spencer was incredibly warm and Ashley was coherent enough to understand that it wasn't just from the temperature of her body. She was inspired to write a song right then. About the heat of love. It was corny, she knew, but that was what Spencer did to her. But she was also just as inspired to remain snuggled up to her personal furnace. So she did. And finally sleep overtook her.

It was a battle she could not have won. Warm, content, and thinking how wonderful it was that in any reality, Spencer made her feel the same way.

Goofy and undeniably Loved.

------------------------------------------

Little Emilee glanced back and forth between Spencer and Ashley. She absent mindedly attempted to pierce a pancake with her fork as she watched the two gazing at each other with small smiles and red cheeks. Raising the eating utensil, she was so distracted by their lack of attention that she didn't realize she hadn't secured the spongy chunk of food well enough to make the distance between plate and mouth. As soon as she felt it land on her shirt, she looked down to find syrup had splattered over the white material. Eyes darted up in guilt, prepared for the scolding she would surely receive. Mommy Spencer always got mad at her when she was messy. But neither of the two women had noticed.

Emilee's eyebrows creased in confusion. Her hand found the soggy food on her chest. She leaned down and looked under the kitchen table, hoping to find their doggy, Cookie, so that she could give him a treat. Her eyes made several sweeps of the floor before noticing that Ashley's leg was stretched and her foot was resting on the chair between her mommy's legs. She didn't know what that meant, but she had the sense to know that you weren't supposed to put your foot near someones private. She jerked her head up without assessing her position in relation to the table and knocked it so hard that it caused her orange juice to tip over.

"Emilee!" That did it. Rubbing the forming knot on her scalp, she slowly peeked over the edge of the table toward Mommy Spencer. She didn't look mad. Just annoyed as she frantically used some napkins to wipe the splattered liquid up.

The amused brunette appeared beside Spencer and placed calming hands over the blonde's. "Here, let me." Emilee's mommy grinned and blushed as she leaned into the other woman.

Emilee mumbled a "Sorry" just as the telephone rang.

Spencer turned around and flirtatiously nudged Ashley with her hip before walking to the counter to pick up the phone. "Hello?"

Ashley wiped the remaining juice from the table and gave Emilee a wink.

"I think so." It was Kyla. Asking if they would be at the club for karaoke. She didn't want to go, but her mind was so clouded with visions of Ashley's backside as she leaned over the table that she couldn't think of an immediate excuse to get out of it.

Emilee watched Ashley turn around and raise a questioning eyebrow toward her mommy. Spencer mouthed "Bar" in return.

Despite what her mother thought, Emilee could read lips. And It was OK with Emilee if the two went out tonight, because that meant she got to go over to Grandma and Grandpa Carlin's. They let her do anything she wanted and never got mad at her.

"OK." Spencer pouted, thinking of a million things she'd rather be doing... with Ashley ... than sitting in a bar listening to wannabe musicians play hideous covers of more talented artists. "We'll meet you at 7."

Emilee took a bite of pancake as her mommy walked toward the table. She observed as Spencer approached Ashley with eyes that said her impostor mommy was in big trouble. Of course, she was an innocent and naive little girl, and had no idea that those eyes were filled with something completely other than anger. Hopefully she wouldn't figure that out for another 15 years.

Without looking toward mini-Spencer, Ashley grabbed Spencer by both arms, turned her around, and started pushing her out of the kitchen. "Em, finish your food and then go watch cartoons for a bit."

------------------------------------------

"I'm glad to see you two have patched things up." Aiden whispered into Spencer's ear.

The blonde wistfully looked toward the bar where Ashley and Kyla were ordering a pitcher of beer. "Me too."

Aiden would have pestered her for information on how they were able to work things out. But he knew that it made no difference. No matter what, Spencer and Ashley always found their way back to each other.

"I'll be right back." Spencer excused herself. She knew she was being needy, but she had an undeniable urge to be near her girlfriend. And the 5 minutes Ashley had been away was too long for her liking.

Ashley turned and leaned back against the bar, barely listening to her sister complain about Aiden's bad habit of leaving clothes around the house, when she noticed a beautiful blonde sauntering up. "Miss me?"

Kyla stopped her bitching at the unexpected interruption. She glanced over her left shoulder to see Spencer and Ashley engrossed in an adorably and sickeningly sweet eye-lock. She was thankful that the bartender had set the pitcher of beer in front of her at that moment. "I'm just gonna..." She didn't need to finish her sentence. She knew the two were not paying attention. She took the beer and made her way back to their table where she could properly continue her bitch session to the person who really needed to hear it anyway.

After a few moments, Ashley opened her arms and Spencer instinctively moved into her embrace. She rested her forehead on the brunette's chest. It felt good to be in her arms. To smell her. To feel her breath in her hair.

They swayed slightly to the cheesy karaoke music, before Spencer felt Ashley whisper "I've always loved you, Spencer Carlin."

Spencer pulled back to look Ashley in the eye and return the sentiment but was interrupted by the MC announcing that it was her girlfriend's turn to take the stage. So instead, she playfully patted the musicians ass and said "Go get 'em, sexy."

------------------------------------------

The bar erupted in applause after Ashley gave another out-of-her-league performance. Aiden, Kyla, and Spencer shared awkward glances with each other as they tentatively clapped. Though they would not say it out loud, they all shared the same thoughts. Where was this rockstar talent coming from? Had she been this good back when she was trying to make it on her own, she would have actually been successful at it.

Ashley raised the strap of her guitar over her head with a small smile. It wasn't her best, but it would do.

She placed the guitar in it's case, grabbed the handle, and began to make her way down the side of the stage to her girlfriend. She had an undeniable urge to be near her. And the five minutes she had been singing was too long for her liking.

But just as she took the last step, a familiar face emerged impeding and close to her. "Ashley Davies."

"Angel..." The musician stepped back to regain some personal space.

"Angela Stedson." The woman corrected while reaching out to give the brunette a business card.

Ashley curiously took the card and slipped it into her back pocket without reading it. "Why are you here?"

Angela grabbed Ashley's hand and pulled her to the corner for a bit more privacy. She leaned in and whispered flirtatiously, "You are a very talented woman."

Ashley looked toward their table and caught Spencer's eyes before the blonde quickly averted them. "Yep. You got that right." It should have came out as cocky as intended, except that she was afraid. Frightened that this was it. That Angel... Angela was going to tell her that her time was up. That she would no longer have Spencer. The result was more of a timid statement rather than one lacking conviction.

"I find talent for Reality Records. They're looking for someone like you. Interested?"

"Are you kidding me?" Ashely disbelievingly eyed her up and down. Of course, she had seen her Angel in several work outfits. She just thought that they were costumes. Certainly she didn't have the ability to pull off something like this.

Angela gave the brunette an incredulously knowing look.

Ashley felt stupid. Of COURSE she has the ability to do this. She had the ability to transfer her from one life to another, after all. "Why?" Because that's what she really needed to know. Why was she being asked to take a job doing something she did in her other reality instead of just being sent back?

The angel/talent scout was silent in response, and Ashely hated that she was always so vague and wishy washy.

She looked over toward their table again and caught Spencer ducking her head immediately. She smiled as she watched her beautiful blonde trace the rim of her glass with her index finger. She realized that the blonde was keeping was keeping an eye on her. It was then that she finally got it. It was like a light bulb going on in her head. The purpose for her transportation to this world. Angel must have brought her here to fix them. Angel was showing her that Spencer and Ashley were meant to be, but how miserable they are financially and with jobs that neither wanted to do. Angel was providing her an opportunity to change all of that for the better. "Absolutely. I'm in."

Angela shook her head in dismay, which went unnoticed to the musician who's eyes were fixated on a gorgeous blonde several tables away. "OK. Call the number on the card tomorrow. We'll get things started." She reached up turned Ashley's chin to face her. "Don't disappoint me, OK?"

Ashley smiled and confidently nodded her head. She was a great musician. There was no way to fail now. "You can count on me." And because she was overjoyed with the opportunity presented for her to make Spencer unbelievably happy, she enveloped her Angel in a long, tight hug.

Across the room, Spencer peeked at the two women again. The closeness, touching, whispering, and hugging. She knew, with every ounce of her being, that this was the woman who had taken away her Ashley. But what she would never understand, was that this was the woman who was going to bring Ashley to _her_.


	13. Chapter 13

**Dissident: Chapter 13**

"Who was that?" Spencer asked as she turned her head when Ashley leaned down to kiss her.

Ashley's lips met cheek. She pulled back and studied the blonde's profile. "A friend." She could tell that her girlfriend was jealous. But mentioning her angel's offer wasn't an option at that moment. Well, maybe it was. But you wouldn't have been able to convince Ashley of that. She was sure that any discussion of a potential record deal would be met with cynicism that she wasn't ready to deal with. She needed time to work on things behind the scenes. Get everything on track. Make sure that it was a positive venture, before getting Spencer invested. The last thing she wanted to do was repeat the same mistakes she had made in the past. No. This time she was going to do it the right way.

"A friend? Why didn't you invite her over?" Spencer took a large drink, avoiding her girlfriend's eyes. "To introduce us."

The brunette shrugged and stood upright. "She's pretty busy." Ashley did feel a tinge of guilt for letting Spencer's jealousy fester. "Always disappearing to someplace." So making her girlfriend feel secure without knowing the truth became a priority. "Hey...Want to get out of here?" Not waiting for her answer, Ashley picked up Spencer's purse from under the table and threw it over her shoulder.

Kyla looked at Ashley and then to Spencer. "You're going to leave me here with him?" She cocked an eyebrow toward Aiden.

Spencer stood, downed the rest of her beer, and slurred out. "Your marriage. Your consequence."

Ashley rolled her eyes and softly latched on to her tipsy girlfriend's elbow. She had to admit that a sauced Spencer was completely adorable.

-----------------------

Ashley leaned across the console and gave Spencer a sweet kiss before opening the door and stepping out. She had taken Spencer to a vista overlooking the city. The same hill she drove Spencer and Aiden too in high school after a spectacle of a dance. She knew it was probably lame, but her desire to spend time with her girlfriend in a spot where they both shared the same memory won over. They both propped themselves up onto the hood of their car and took in the beautiful and familiar sight.

"Remember the last time we were here?" Ashley put her arm around her girlfriend's lower back and laid her head on her shoulder.

Spencer smiled in thought. The alcohol from earlier had mostly worn off after their lengthy drive to this impromptu destination. "Mmm hmm. It seems like it was another lifetime."

Ashley chuckled a little at that statement. "Yeah..." Spencer could never know how true that was.

They were silent for quite some time. Just enjoying being in each other's company. The two of them. Content.

"I don't like being jealous." Spencer softly admitted after awhile, breaking the comfortable moment.

Ashley turned and ran her fingers through her girlfriend's hair. She took in her disheveled appearance. It was windy and cold up on that hill. But with the moonlight reflecting in Spencer's eyes, she thought that she had never seen her look so beautiful. "You know... I've never been good at this."

"At what?"

"Saying what needs to be said." Ashley buried her head in Spencer's chest. Maybe because her face was cold. Maybe because she was suddenly feeling shy. Maybe because she just needed to feel her girlfriend. All she knew was that she felt indescribably loved when as her girlfriend's arms wrapped around her.

Spencer rested her chin on Ashley's head. She liked that she could smell her shampoo even through the cold breeze. "It's just me. Say it."

"I lied that night." Ashely finally spoke after she gained some courage.

Spencer pulled away and looked at her girlfriend expectantly and with some confusion too.

"When Aiden asked if we wanted to be alone." She clarified. "I really wanted to say 'Yes'."

A smile crept up on the blonde's face. Possibly a blush as well, but it could have been the result of the weather. "I think I did too."

"That night? I knew my life was going to change."

Spencer's heart was warm while the rest of her was freezing. Her teeth chattering betrayed her, though, resulting in Ashley sliding off the front of the car, taking her hand and leading her to the passenger door. Always the gentlewoman. But she was afraid that their 'moment' was over. And more than anything, she really did need to hear Ashley's words right then.

Ashley sat in the drivers seat, turned on the ignition, and turned the heater up full blast. "Aaaah. Much better." She massaged her arms for a minute and then turned toward Spencer. "I really need to say this."

Spencer situated herself so that her back was mostly leaning against the car door so that she could give Ashley her undivided attention.

"You're it for me, Spencer."

The blonde smiled and waived the hand displaying her engagement ring between the two of them. "You're it for me too, Ash."

Ashley sighed. It wasn't coming out as profound as she felt inside. "No... see, I'm doing this all wrong." She hated herself for being a songwriter, yet never being able to find the perfect words for her girlfriend. She had no idea why that was the case. Smooth around everyone else. An idiot when it came to Spencer. Always. "I could never ever, ever, ever... EVER" She emphasized. "Love anyone the way that I love you." When silence followed she tacked on another "Ever" as she ducked her head in embarrassment. God, she was lame.

Spencer leaned toward Ashley and gave her a quick peck on her forehead before burying her face in curly brown locks of hair to whisper "Forever, ever?"

The brunette giggled, pulled away to look at the love of her life, and playfully responded, "ForEVER, ever."

They laughed together, acknowledging the absurdity of themselves reciting OutKast lyrics, before falling into a wordless conversation.

The moment suddenly turned heavy.

"You have no reason to be jealous." Ashley promised sincerely.

Spencer nodded. Her girlfriend hadn't needed to say that because her eyes had already spoken for her.

"Want to christen your new car?" Ashley joked and waggled her eyebrows seductively. She had met her mushiness quota for the night.

The blonde laughed heartily at the totally expected change of topic. And of course she responded, "K."

--------------------------------

**A month later**

"Where are we?" Spencer laughed as she heard elevator doors closing. Ashley had blindfolded her before they left the house saying that she had a surprise for her. She would be lying if she said she wasn't a tad bit nervous. Her girlfriend had been unusually quiet on the drive to wherever they were headed. In fact, she hadn't heard anything but 'Shhhs' and 'you'll sees' the entire way.

"Shhh. You'll see."

Spencer snorted. So predictable.

Ashley ushered her out of the elevator when it reached, what Spencer assumed to be, a fairly high floor. She heard keys jingling and the unmistakable sound of a door unlocking. She was certain that her girlfriend was the sweetest person on the planet. She assumed the surprise must be that Ashley booked them a hotel for a romantic weekend. And that sounded really nice. They hadn't been able to spend a lot of time together because Ashley had been working late every night. She would get on her case about frivolous spending later.

"OK." Ashley moved into Spencer's personal space and reached around her neck to untie the blindfold. "Before I take this thing off, promise me you will not freak out." The brunette was beyond anxious. She had been lying to her girlfriend for the past month. Lying to her girlfriend's father for the past month. Lying to their daughter for the past month. It was only now, that she was second guessing herself for keeping everything a secret. Wondering exactly how she was going to explain the deceitfulness in a way that would make sense.

"Ash... I'm not going to freak out." Of course, Spencer figured that Ashley was afraid there would be an argument over paying for the hotel. She had no idea what was to be revealed. And therefore, had no way to know that she was lying.

She felt the material around her head loosen before it was completely removed. The first sight she was met with, was her girlfriend's beautiful brown eyes. Her own gravitated down and noticed that Ashley was biting her lip nervously. She watched as the brunette stepped back, stretching her arms out, and timidly spoke. "Tada?"

Only then, did she take her eyes off of her stunning other half, to step back and get a look at their surroundings. "Wow." It took everything in Spencer's power to not lash out at her girlfriend as she slowly walked and took the place in. The hotel room wasn't really a room. It was more like a penthouse suite. Way too extravagant. She couldn't even fathom how Ashley paid for it. "Does Emilee still have a college fund? Or should we plan on supporting her forever?" OK, so apparently she didn't have _any_ power to prevent the inevitable.

Ashley had expected a cool response like that at first. "It's funny you should mention th-"

"Funny?" Spencer interrupted. "I'm glad you think that Emy's future is so hilarious."

"Spencer."

Not paying attention to Ashley, the blonde continued. "I mean, it's so comical the way we were saving money for that, right?"

"Spence."

"I agree. Expensive cars and hotel stays are way better than educating our daughter."

"SPENCER!" Ashely grabbed on to her girlfriend's hand and spun her to face her. "Emy's college fund is fine. Great, actually. That's kind of what I brought you here to talk about."

The blonde allowed herself to be pulled into the living room and sat down on the sofa quietly. She had words. Lots of them. But she also figured she'd hear her girlfriend out. After all, that is what people in loving relationships are supposed to do.

"OK. Just stay there for a second." Ashley walked over to a million-dollar-looking stereo system and fiddled with some buttons. Music filled the room as she turned expectantly toward Spencer while fiddling with the front pockets of her jeans.

Spencer recognized the voice, that was for sure. She also recognized the professional quality of the recording. She might have assumed that it was a romantic song Ashley had written for her. For their surprise weekend. Only, it wasn't a love song. It was an up tempo, alternative rock track. It suddenly felt like she was being transported back in time. Reliving a period in their life they had moved on from. Ashley used to come home from the studio and play song after song, seeking Spencer's approval.

She sincerely hoped that this wasn't what she feared it was: Ashley reattempting a music career. But she also, deep down, knew that it probably was. Because Ashley had changed. She didn't want it to be true, but it was. There was no denying it. One morning, a couple of months ago, her girlfriend had woken up and acted as if she barely knew her. Behaved erratically and shady and all of those things that comes with a midlife crisis. Spencer felt she could deal with practically anything that was thrown her way. But this? Not this. Spencer closed her eyes and prayed that she would wake up. She knew that she could only avoid certain confrontation if this was a dream. So she tried with all of her inner strength, to spook herself out of slumber.

"That bad?" Ashley had noticed the almost pained look on Spencer's face and was suddenly feeling very self conscious. She quickly turned around and turned off the stereo.

Spencer wasn't about to give up on the idea of waking up. So she tried pinching herself in a failed last attempt. Finally coming to terms that this was, in fact, her reality, she spoke. "It was good." Because it was. She couldn't lie. And even though she was fairly upset with what she was certain she was going to find out that night, she also didn't want Ashley to feel insecure about her music. Her captivatingly gorgeous voice was something Spencer truly loved about her. It was just better when it was used in the privacy of their own home. Or an open mic night at the bar. "When did you record that?"

Ashley had never been so relieved in her life. She wasn't sure what she would have done if Spencer didn't like it. Not that anything could have been done about it. The song was scheduled to start getting rotation on the radio the next day. "Well... the funny thing is..."

"Ashley, if you use the word 'funny' one more time tonight, I swear to you, I am walking out that door." Spencer leaned back and covered her face with her hands in frustration. She didn't mean to be so rude, but she couldn't help that she was extremely irritable with the situation.

The musician didn't know what she should do next. She had anticipated that Spencer would be somewhat resistant to the idea to begin with. But she hadn't even had the opportunity to say exactly what was going on. If her girlfriend was that moody already, there was no telling how the night would end. Tentatively, Ashley sat next to Spencer and pried her hands from her face. She entwined their fingers and looked into her eyes. "I've been taking the afternoons off and going to a studio."

Spencer nodded wordlessly. Again, she had words. But none of them were appropriate. Her mother always did tell her if she didn't have anything nice to say she shouldn't say it all.

"I signed a record deal, Spence." Ashley waited for some kind of response before continuing. "This place? This is ours. I leased it."

It was all too much for the dumbfounded blonde to hear. She knew that she had to say something. "Mmm." A mumbled sound would have to do.

Ashley was sure if Spencer would hear out, then she would be happy. But Spencer seemed like she was in another world and definitely not an active participant in the conversation. But it was 'now or never' for Ashley. She had to just put it all out there. "We have no money. Your working at some shitty school instead of writing. I'm working for your dad as a counselor. The house needs paint. The driveway is cracked. We had one beat up car until recently." Ashley paused because she needed to breathe, but resumed her dialogue quickly, just in case Spencer decided then would be a good time to find her voice to protest. "I've thought this all out. I got a bonus check for signing. Then they paid me for the time in studio. I put most of it in our savings for whatever Emy plans to do. But I did lease this place because... well c'mon, look at it!"

"Who are you?" Spencer asked, as if she were in a trance.

The musician eyed her girlfriend warily. "Ashley."

"No... who ARE you?" The blonde said a tad louder.

"Your girlfriend?" Ashley offered.

Spencer stood up and walked to a large window that covered most of one wall. It was only then that she noticed the enthralling view of the city. She welcomed the small calming affect it had on her. She sighed. "Really?" She turned around and glared at the brunette. "You're a musician who is leasing a suite in downtown LA."

"I'm your girlfriend. Who has leased a suite in downtown LA for _us _to live in." Ashley corrected.

"How did you even you do all of this? How did this happen?" Spencer was so confused. It was a lot to take in. "And why didn't you talk to me about it first?"

Now Ashley was third guessing herself for keeping it a secret. She could see how distraught Spencer was over everything and it was honestly breaking her heart. "I don't know... Angel... er Angela... she presented the opportunity about a month ago. At the bar." Ashley watched as her girlfriend pinched the bridge of her nose. She couldn't really tell her that it happened so fast because she already had these songs from her other life. "Spencer... I just wanted to make you happy. I knew that I could do it the right way. Make it work this time, you know? Have everything we ever wanted."

Spencer's eyes shot up piercingly. "Everything we ever wanted?"

Ashley shrugged. "Yeah."

"So... will you have to go on tour?"

The musician winced a bit. She had left that part out. She figured that Spencer would gradually get sold on the idea, and then she would spring that one on her. But the night hadn't gone as planned. "Yes." Spencer opened her mouth to speak but Ashley quickly continued. "But I thought about that! And I figured you and Em would go with me. So I made them put into the contract that I would get this super huge luxury bus. We can get a tutor whenever she needs one. And you can focus on writing."

Spencer thought she had heard it all before then. She had to sit down. So she did. In a chair opposite the couch Ashley occupied. "You want Emilee to grow up on a tour bus?" She cocked an eyebrow.

"It'll be a big bus."

Spencer wanted to laugh at that but she would not be deterred. "Have her wake up in a different city every day? Not be able to make friends?"

Ashley hadn't really put much thought into it. All she had been concerned with was making sure they would be together. Because that was the part that ruined her and Spencer in her other life. She sighed. Why did things have to be so complicated? "I honestly didn't think about that, Spence."

"I don't know what you want me to say, Ashley." Again, Spencer's hands found real estate on her face, thinking briefly that it would not do any favors to her complexion. "I feel life we've been here. Done this. It didn't work. Why not leave well enough alone?"

Ashley couldn't stand to see how stressed her girlfriend was. She stood up and cautiously walked to stand in front of her. Her fingers caressed the top of the blonde's hair before they gave way to her palms. A small smile formed when she felt Spencer lean into her stomach. "Because I think we can do it right this time." She spoke softy.

Spencer pulled away, leaned back in the chair, and shouted. "You keep saying that!" Ashley stepped back in surprise while her girlfriend mocked with air quotes "Make it work this time!" More air quotes. "Make it right this time!" Spencer paused to lower her arms. "Are we not working now? Have we not been doing things right all along?!"

"I'm not saying that! I'm just saying that it could be better for us. To finally not be strapped with money and doing things we'd rather be doing..."

"What you'd rather be doing! I'm fine with how things are. I like how things are." Spencer didn't want a life on the road for her family, she was sure of that. But it wasn't as if she was going to leave her girlfriend for pursuing her dreams. She might have been able to leave Ashley seven years ago. Had her girlfriend not hunted her down, back then, sung her a silly song and promised to stop touring, she probably would have. But not now. Not after so many years. Every one of them, she had fallen deeper and deeper in love with her best friend. She had buried herself in that good kind of way. Too deep to claw her way out. So if this was what Ashley wanted, then they would deal with it. As a family. She had to believe they were wiser and more mature. They would make it work.

"What are you saying?" Ashley didn't want to sound so dense. Her girlfriend was very clear. But it also sounded like she was about to be given an ultimatum. "You aren't about to ask me to choose are you?"

"Would it matter?"

"Yes." Ashley said simply. She paused then. Not the kind of dramatic affect you find in soap operas, sappy hour long dramas, and in movies. No. She paused because when the word escaped her lips, it shocked her at how easily and certain it came out. Like it was second nature. No question or doubt. It was an epiphany of sorts. And she spoke that epiphany out loud. With more confidence and conviction than she had ever displayed in either lifetime. "None if it means anything without you."

Spencer smiled and leaned forward. Sticking her index fingers through the front belt loops of Ashley's jeans, she tugged the girl close, and looked up. "If this is what you want. If this is what will make you happy. Then we'll do it."

Ashley put her hands behind Spencer's neck and gently moved her fingers across soft skin. "Spencer... What makes me happy, is you being happy."

"What makes me happy is you." Spencer tilted her head sweetly. "Our family. Our home. Our life. All of it." She tugged at Ashley's jeans, and the brunette complied with her silent request to get on her knees so that they were eye level. "I love you." Spencer lightly cupped her girlfriend's face in her hands. "I love coming home to you in our blue house. Tucking Emilee in every night together. Waking up to you in your flannel pajamas. Watching TV with you on our old couch. Breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I love you singing just for me. Knowing I can reach out to you. That you'll be there and never let me down. And I even love that you brought home a dog that you expect me to take care of." She laughed as she leaned in to kiss her girlfriend.

Ashley closed her eyes and whispered against Spencer's lips. "I don't think all the money in the world could buy that kind of happiness."

She finally got it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Dissident: Chapter 14**

"Well if it isn't the little rockstar." Arthur beamed through the open doorway.

Ashley grimaced at the greeting. "Hardly, Mr. C."

Emilee squeezed through her grandpa's legs and barrelled down the walkway to her mommy Spencer. "Mommy! Me and grandpa made chocolate chocolate-chip cookies with marshmallows, m&ms and liquor!"

Spencer effortless picked her daughter up and raised a curious eyebrow at her father.

"Licorice." He said matter-of-factly before moving to the side to let the three girls inside.

"Want to try one?!" Emilee squirmed until her mother set her down. She ran toward the kitchen before Spencer could answer, narrowly avoiding a head on collision with her grandma as she raced around the corner.

Paula approached her daughter and gave her a quick hug. "How was your weekend, honey?"

Spencer sideways glanced at Ashley who had inconspicuously taken a seat on the entryway bench. "Interesting..."

The weekend had been fairly uneventful. They spent the entire time in their new 'suite'. They didn't talk much about what was going to happen with Ashley's sudden music revelation. It was mostly just them watching TV, movies, eating, loving... As if they knew it was the calm before the storm and should make the best of it.

"C'mon!" Arthur interrupted, sensing the tension in the air. "Lets go try my apprentice's cookies." He placed his hands on Spencer's shoulders and massaged as he guided her toward the kitchen.

Unconsciously tapping her feet, Ashley stared up at Paula, waiting for her to follow. The older women didn't make an effort to leave, so Ashley just smiled at her uncomfortably. It had been a long time since the brunette had been in the same room as Spencer's mom.

"Ashley..." Paula sighed and sat in the empty space next to her daughter's girlfriend. After what seemed like an eternity of internal deliberation, she finally situated herself to face the selfish girl. "It's clear that my daughter doesn't make you happy."

Ashley raised her finger between the two them. "And on that note!" She went to stand but she felt a hand grab hers and tug her back down. Annoyed, she turned to the nasty woman. "What, Paula?"

"What's going on?"

Ashley figured either the woman had heard her song on the radio or someone had told her. But she couldn't answer the question. Her and Spencer hadn't decided on a plan of action yet, so she played stupid. "What do you mean?"

"You're not going to tell me why I haven't been able to turn on the radio without hearing your voice all weekend?"

The musician pretended to think of an answer before saying... "Nope."

Paula stood. "How many times do you have to break her heart?" It was a rhetorical question that she didn't expect an answer to, so she walked away, leaving Ashley to stew on it for awhile.

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"Thanks for watching Em this weekend." Spencer stood with her back against the kitchen sink. She had been pretending to eat her daughter's cookie and then sneakily discarding the uneaten chunks behind her.

Arthur placed a quick kiss to the side of her head. "No problem, sweetie. You know we love having her here." He opened the fridge and pulled out a half empty container of milk.

"So..." Spencer finished tossing the last bite of her cookie and patted her hands clean. "You heard Ashley's song?" She knew her dad wanted to broach the subject but would never do that until she was ready.

He reached into the cupboard, grabbed two glasses, and set them on the counter top. "Who hasn't?" He poured some milk then sat the carton down. "is this what you want?"

"I'd rather have a Diet Coke." Spencer knew he was referring to her situation with Ashley, but she didn't want to answer him truthfully.

Arthur smiled knowingly and handed her the glass of milk. "Do what makes you happy, Spence." He finished pouring the drinks and placed one in front of Emilee who had been sitting at the kitchen bar coloring.

"The problem is... Ashley is what makes me happy. So maybe I could be happy with her being a famous musician." She hopefully spoke the second sentence.

"And if your not?" Arthur didn't expect his daughter to answer the question, so he walked away, leaving Spencer to stew on it for awhile.

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Ashley and Spencer drove in silence as Emilee lightly snored in the backseat. The weekend had been an emotional one that resulted in no answers. Tired of hearing only her thoughts, the musician turned on the radio. It was a bad idea because the car filled with her music. She quickly shut it off and sympathetically glanced at her girlfriend. As if an apology was needed. She internally cursed Angel. Everything was going so well before she offered her the record deal. She rolled her eyes thinking that her mystical guardian must have the best marketing skills ever. She never even got this much radio play in her other life.

"You don't have to do that." Spencer spoke softly.

Ashley turned on the left blinker and changed lanes. "Do what?"

"Pretend like that doesn't exist." The blonde pointed at the radio.

"Spencer..." Ashley glanced in the rear view mirror to check on Emilee. Still sleeping soundly. "What do you want me to do about this?"

"I want you to do what you want to do, Ash." She gazed out the window at the white lines speeding by her in a hypnotic blur.

This wasn't the place to have this conversation. But Ashley was beginning to realize that when you are an almost-wife, have a kid, jobs, etc... you really aren't privileged with choosing the perfect settings for these types of things. "You're right."

Spencer looked at her questioningly.

"We've been here. Done this." Ashley glanced across traffic to change lanes again. "You've always been like this."

The blonde tried not to get defensive. Ashley's words were sounding awfully accusatory right then. "Like what?"

"All of those years ago. All you had to do was say 'No, Ashley. Don't do Letterman. Don't go on tour.' But you didn't. You were always so supportive. Saying that whatever made me happy made you happy. But you know what?" Ashley knew she shouldn't say this. "That wasn't true, was it? Because you left."

"I almost left." Spencer hissed in a hushed tone. Correcting her.

Ashley shook her head. She was arguing with Spencer as if she were her other self. She was extremely frustrated. "And now you're doing it again."

"What am I doing?" The blonde asked, wondering exactly where this was leading.

"You don't want me to pursue this. My music. But you are telling me to do it if I want to. If it makes me happy."

"Will it?" Thoughts of her dad asking her a similar questions this afternoon plagued her.

Ashley sighed. "Not if it means that you're going to end up leaving me again."

Spencer matched her girlfriend's frustration. "Stop saying that! I never LEFT you!"

Ashley quickly pulled over and came to a screeching stop. She hastily unlatched her seat belt, slammed open the car door, and stormed off walking in the direction of their house. She just couldn't deal with anything right then. It was all coming back to her. The feeling of Spencer leaving her. Going into that dressing room to find it empty. Only some personal belongings and a letter from the love of her life saying that it was the end for them. She wanted to yell at her girlfriend; she was so angry. She had never had the opportunity to say how much she was hurt. But this Spencer didn't deserve it. So she had to step away from the situation. Calm down.

But Spencer had other ideas. "Ashley! Get in the car."

Ashley crossed her arms and ignored the blonde creeping along beside her.

"Stop being stubborn and get in."

"Just go home." The musician gave in. But only because she thought it was dangerous for Spencer to be driving about 3 miles an hour on the freeway.

Ashley watched as Spencer increased her speed and flew past her. Then was surprised when she saw the car pull off to the side of the road about 100 feet ahead underneath a street lamp. The blonde exited the car and started walking heatedly towards her. She almost chuckled because Spencer kind of always did this odd hunched stomping thing when she was mad. But just as they met half way, a car drove by, and the headlights illuminated her girlfriend's watery enraged eyes, her face fell.

"Listen to me, Ashley Davies." Spencer poked at her girlfriends chest, causing the brunette to step backward. "You want to do this now? Then let's do this now!"

Ashley wouldn't dare speak. Her heart was breaking at the quivering she heard in Spencer's voice.

"You have no right to accuse me of anything going wrong in our relationship! Nothing." She took a deep breath and looked Ashley in the eyes. "You're like a different person now." Spencer started walking around and speaking as if to herself. "You told me you kissed other women. Tried to tell me you didn't feel like a mother. You smoked weed. You left us to go stay with Kyla. You started spending money we don't have. And now you suddenly want to become a musician again?"

Spencer stopped and looked to Ashley expecting some kind of response. Ashley just stood their motionless. Watching her.

"I have always been a good girlfriend to you. I have always supported you. What makes you think that I would do anything differently than I did back then? Huh?!"

Ashley's lump in her throat prevented her from speaking. She figured Spencer would continue anyway.

Spencer began to pace again. "How quickly you forget. Well let me remind you. Back then? I supported you because I didn't want you to have any regrets. I didn't want to be the girlfriend that made you give up on what you wanted. But guess what? It ended up that you didn't want any of it. You would call me and tell me time and time again how much you needed to get away from it all. Be with me. Start a family with me..." Spencer stopped directly in front of Ashley but didn't look at her. She whispered, "You promised me you would quit. And you did."

Ashley had a sudden flashback of the conversation with Spencer after she was interviewed in her apartment. The sarcastic way the journalist had asked _'You promise?_' made sense to her now. She stepped forward in an attempt to hold her, but Spencer held a hand up stopping her progress.

"And I'm supporting you now. This is your dream, Ashley. Not mine." Spencer looked up piercingly into Ashley's eyes. "My dreams were answered the day you stopped touring."

Ashley swallowed.

"I just thought your dreams had been answered too."

Spencer's hand was still placed firmly on Ashley's chest. There was several minutes of silence between them before Ashley covered Spencer's hand with her own and held it tightly against her. "They were." Is all she could say.

The blonde nodded. "I won't be making this decision for you. I didn't then. And I won't now."

"OK." Ashley responded softly.

Spencer looked at her with skepticism. "OK?"

"I already made it, Spence."

The blonde's eyes showed some surprise and confusion.

"I guess I made it a long time ago." Oh how Ashley wished she would have never broken that promise. That she would have actually made the right decision back then. And stopping touring was the right one, she was sure of that now. She HAD forgotten. She was miserable without Spencer when she was touring. She DID call her all the time and say she was going to quit. Why didn't she? "Spencer... " Ashley pulled her girlfriend's hands around her back and let go to do the same with her own. "I'm sorry that I forgot." She apologized for her other self and the seven years that she forced Spencer out of her mind to protect herself from the pain.

But all Spencer knew was that she was apologizing for the past month that she had been acting like a pod person. "It's OK."

Ashley lightly kissed Spencer on the lips, then turned her around to walk toward the car. "I'm probably going to get sued."

Spencer shrugged. "Let them. We don't have anything anyway."

Ashley laughed lightly and entwined their fingers. She had Spencer.

She had everything.

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Spencer sat in Ashley's lap in the living room. They had put Emilee to bed hours earlier and were enjoying some much needed intimacy. It was mostly googily eyes, giggles, sweet kisses, and an occasional dirty joke. But mostly PG-13 rated fun.

"I want to show you something." Spencer stood up and left the room for a few moments before returning with what appeared to be a large scrap book. She handed it to her girlfriend before settling down on the couch next to her. Opening to the first page, she pointed at a clipping. "That was the first article published about you."

"What is this?" Ashley started to turn the pages. All covered with magazine photos, newspaper clippings, ticket stubs, etc.

"It's just something I used to do. You were always away... and I guess doing this just helped me feel closer to you. Like you were still here." Ashley had flipped to a page that had the rest of the photo booth pictures from that day Spencer had paid her a surprise visit. Her finger traced the edges of all the fairly provocative poses. She thought to herself that it was a good thing that the camera wasn't tilted any lower.

"I never knew." Ashley turned to the last page. It was an article about the last show she played in San Francisco. Spencer had drawn a huge smiley face in light green marker. "Wow."

"I know. Stalker, right?" Spencer joked playfully as she closed the book and tossed it on the coffee table.

Ashley smiled and leaned her forehead against Spencer's. "Why are you showing me this now?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "I guess I was just carrying that with me for so long. I had always felt guilty. Like I might have been holding you back. A part of me thought that If I showed it to you, you might get the urge to try again. But look! You did anyway, so it was pointless." Spencer grinned lovingly at her beautiful girlfriend.

"The only thing I felt when looking at that is sadness." Ashley ran her fingers through Spencer's hair and lightly made a fist, pulling their foreheads impossibly closer. "Sad that I wasted so much time."

Spencer kissed each of Ashley's eyelids as they closed and whispered. "Lets go to bed." She stood up and held out her hands to help Ashley.

The brunette allowed herself to be pulled up.

Spencer suddenly turned around and clapped her hands together. "Oh shoot! We forgot to take the trash out." She looked at the clock on their DVD player. It was already 3am and they had to work in the morning.

"You go. I'll get it." She gave her one last peck on the lips then playfully patted her ass in the direction of their room.

Ashley walked to the kitchen, opened the cupboard below the sink, took the plastic bag out of the trash can and tied the ends in a knot. She opened the door to the garage and turned on the light. Cookie looked up groggily from his doggy bed, annoyed with the intrusion. "I know buddy. I'm sorry." Cookie laid his head back down with a whimper. She placed the bag in the large green garbage and wheeled it over to the garage door. She twisted the metal lever on the door, raising it slowly as to not make much sound. Never once internally criticizing that they didn't own an electric opener.

"Ooomph!" Ashley quickly brought her hand to her face where it felt like she had just been slapped. She looked down in confusion where a newspaper was laying on the ground. She picked it up and squinted in pain toward the street. She heard the sound of a bike bell before recognition set in. She dropped the newspaper. But it felt an awful lot like her heart had dropped too.

It was Angel.

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Ashley grabbed a hold of the garbage can and slowly pushed it down the driveway, never taking her eyes off of her assailant.

"Look at you... all domesticated." Angel quipped.

Ashley set the garbage can at the curb. "Look at you... all in another profession. Paper route?" She raised an eyebrow.

Angel shrugged. "Keeps me honest."

The brunette nodded and then awkwardly looked around the neighborhood. She had a bad feeling about this.

"Thanks for not disappointing me."

Ashley turned back to look at the woman who had changed her life. She shrugged. "I wouldn't be so sure of that." Placing her hands in her pocket, she hesitantly admitted, "I was going to call you tomorrow to tell you that I can't do the music thing anymore."

Angel stepped off of her bike and pushed the kickstand down with her foot. "I know."

Surprised, Ashley asked "How?"

"An Angel sees all and hears all." The woman said sickeningly bubbly.

That statement would have been disturbing to Ashley had her mind not been racing with a million different reasons why Angel was there. All thoughts circling back to the obvious one that she did not want to be facing at that moment. Or any moment, really. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. Play stupid. "So... I just wanted to say 'thank you'. For bringing me here."

"You're welcome, Ashley." Angel smiled brightly at the comment.

"I mean...It means a lot to me that you could bring me back to Spencer. Show me that I had made the biggest mistake of my life by continuing my music career." Ashley started to walk backward toward the house.

Angel didn't move. "I'm glad I was able to help you realize."

"I'm really happy with my new life. Everything is right now. It was all so wrong before. So uh... goodnight!" She gave a cute wave. "Maybe I'll see you around sometime." Ashley turned around and quickly started to walk back to the garage.

"You have to go back now, Ashley."

She paused, lightly swaying as a result of the dizziness she felt suddenly. If Ashley's heart had dropped before. Angel had just stepped on it and smashed it into the ground. "What?"

Her Angel approached her from behind and placed a hand on her shoulder to steady her. "You were never meant to stay."

Ashley spun around in rage. "Fuck you!" She pointed into her angel's face. "Fuck YOU for giving me this amazing life and making me fall in love again. Only to take it away?! I would have been better off! I had forgotten her, Angel! I was fine!" Ashley broke down and fell to her knees sobbing. She hadn't cried like this since the day Spencer left her. "I was fine..." She barely repeated through hiccups.

"Were you really?" Angel had teared up too. She hated this part. But it was the way it had to be.

The brunette wasn't able to answer her. It was like she was dead. Her mind totally blank. It felt so similar to how she was able to force all of the memories out before. How she was able to forget. "How much time?"

"Tonight."

"It's 3 in the morning. Tonight now or tonight later?"

Angel looked down at her with empathy. "Now."

Ashley stood up, took a deep breath, and wiped the moisture from her face with her forearm. "Then I better not waste any of more of it."

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Ashley slowly opened the bedroom door and slipped into the small bed. "Hey..." She whispered while nudging the tiny form in front of her.

Emilee's eyes fluttered a bit.

"Emilee... hey." She nudged the little girl a little bit harder.

Mini-Spencer opened her eyes fully, but was clearly still dazed from sleep.

"I have to go now." Ashley placed her palm on the girl's cheek. "I wanted to say goodbye."

The girl suddenly became alert. "Is your spaceship here?"

Ashley laughed lightly. "I guess you could say that."

The two friends just looked at each other for awhile before Emilee whispered. "Will I see you again?"

"I don't know." Ashley smiled. "But I hope so."

"Is my mommy coming back?"

Ashley didn't know how to respond. She wasn't sure if this alternate universe actually co-existed with hers. But she figured if it did, then her other self would be back as well. "Probably." She suddenly visions of her other self living HER life for the past month. The thought amused her.

"Who will I play Nintendo with?"

Ashley grinned. "Teach Spencer. You'll probably beat her every time." After a few moments, she got out of bed, leaned down, and gave Emilee a kiss on her forehead. "Be good." She walked out and left the door open just a little bit. Exactly how the little girl liked it.

"Love you." Emilee sleepily mumbled.

Biting her lip to keep from crying again she opened the door a little wider to stick her head through. "Love you too."

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She leaned against the wall just next to their bedroom. She wanted to go in. She needed to go in. Every hesitant second spent there was a second she was missing with Spencer. Still, she couldn't bring herself to walk in there for the last time. To see her gorgeous girlfriend one final time. To say goodbye. Maybe it would be better for her if she just slept on the couch and woke up in her other life. She didn't think she was strong enough to go through the pain. But was it possible to hurt any more than she was already?

Spencer walked out the door just then and jumped in shock when she saw Ashley. Holding her hand to her heart she laughed. "Oh my god, you scared me! What are you doing?"

Ashley stepped away from the wall and looked down. She couldn't bare to look at Spencer. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"C'mon. Get in here." Spencer grabbed Ashley's hand and led her in the room. She hopped in bed and pulled the covers up. She looked up and noticed that her girlfriend was standing at the foot of the bed. "Ash?"

The brunette wouldn't make eye contact. Instead, she reached out and started fiddling with a loose stitch on their comforter. She was trying so hard to become blank again. To drive the feelings away. Build the wall. But it wasn't working. Her heart was aching and her skin was cold. She was so scared. Losing Spencer again was imminent. There wasn't a single thing she could do to stop the inevitable. She wanted to run away. She wanted to stay. She wanted to kiss Spencer. She didn't want to look at Spencer. She wanted to make love to her. She wanted to get out of that room. She was a mess of conflicting emotion. And she couldn't stop any of it. "I'm OK." She finally spoke. Mostly trying to convince herself. It was so soft that it was amazing that Spencer even heard her. But not surprising, as Spencer had always been incredibly tuned into her.

"I didn't ask if you were." Spencer was worried as their was something clearly bothering her girlfriend. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"You already said that." Spencer threw off the covers and walked on her knees to the brunette. "Look at me." When Ashley made no attempt at movement, she gently lifted her girlfriend's head and waited patiently for Ashley's eyes to find hers. "Why are you scared?"

And that was exactly why Ashley didn't want Spencer to see her. Because she had always had that unbelievable knack of reading her. But she didn't tear her eyes away, because she was certain she never wanted to see anything else. "I don't want to lose you."

Spencer didn't understand where the insecurity was coming from. "You're not going to."

"You promise?"

Her girlfriend nodded.

Ashley had never felt so vulnerable. "Say it. I need to hear you say it"

"I promise. You will never lose me."

Ashley leaned forward, causing Spencer to arch back an equal distance. She placed one knee on the bed and then the other. She guided her girlfriend backwards, never breaking eye contact, until the blonde was positioned on her back while she hovered over her. "I love you, Spencer Carlin."

The intensity in which Ashley was gazing down on her was overwhelming. Spencer could hardly breathe. "I love you too, Ashley Davies."

"Spencer?" A tear formed in Ashley's eye, travelled a path from cheek to chin, and slowly dropped to Spencer's lip. "I'm going to make you happy."

"I have no doubt."

Ashley lowered herself until their bodies met and captured Spencer's lips in a desperately sincere and passionate kiss. They both could taste her salty emotion and it made the moment that more genuine and pure. She didn't try to stay awake that night. She got completely lost in their final love making. Only thinking about Spencer in the now. Not in the past for future. Not in this life or that life. Just how much she loved her right then. And how much Spencer loved her back.


	15. Chapter 15

**Dissident: Chapter 15**

12:00

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She lay there. Eyes dry. Unblinking, as the harsh red light flashed repeatedly at her.

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No longer numbers.

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Only lines, squares and bulbs.

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Rhythmically mocking the beat of her heart.

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Illuminating her reality.

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Reality.

She closed her eyes forcefully, and turned her back to the unceasing digital truth.

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Appearing beneath clothed lids.

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As if it burned through her vision.

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It was a dream.

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Ashley abruptly turned and lunged for the alarm clock. With every ounce of adrenaline coursing through her veins, she picked it up and threw it down on her hardwood floor. Breaking to pieces. Amazingly, the clock remained intact.


	16. Chapter 16

**Dissident: Chapter 16**

The ceiling was beginning to swirl. That is how long Ashley had been staring at it. Lying on her back, she had been pondering how her $30,000 Hastens mattress, which had been dubbed the most comfortable one on the market, didn't feel half as restful as the bed she had been sleeping in for the last month. The luxury bedding that surrounded her couldn't compare to the warmth provided by her own personal furnace (I.e. Spencer Carlin). Waking up to the faint sound of traffic couldn't possibly compete with the beautiful giggles of a small child attempting to rouse you from sleep.

There had been no light peaking through windows when she had become aware of her surroundings. Now, her bedroom was masked in a light pink as the rays of sun penetrated through the red and white designer curtains. By this, she assumed that her eyes had been directed upward for several hours. She couldn't know for sure, though, because the alarm clock on her bedroom floor furiously blinked the numbers one two zero zero the the last time she was acquainted with it.

And there had been crying. Let's not fool ourselves here. For the first time in seven years, she had felt completely, utterly, wholly, and without exception... alone. She tried to think of all of the reasons to be happy. But everything, somehow, circled back around to Spencer. And how she was anything but happy without her. Her music? She didn't want it. Because it was painfully obvious how it damaged their relationship. Her career was the devil, she decided. An evil, nasty seductress, that lured her away with counterfeit dreams of fame and fortune. Money? What use was it to her now? Spencer had shown her that wealth only meant that you were truly loved. Fans? Just nameless faces who's false adoration, she convinced herself, amounted to want and affection. She had nothing. If she didn't have Spencer, she had absolutely nothing. Because Spencer was her dream. Spencer was her wealth. Spencer was her love. Spencer was everything.

"Ash, the car is..." Aiden's sentenced trailed off as his eyes fell upon the brunette. "You're not dressed?!"

Ashley, who had sat up quickly at the unexpected intrusion, looked down at her black eyelit-trim cami and matching boyshorts she recalled ordering from Victoria's Secret. She sighed morosely, never wishing more to have been wearing flannel pajama bottoms. She pulled the comforter up to conceal herself. "Huh?"

"San Francisco?" He reminded her.

It took her a moment to figure out what he was talking about. "Oh... right." Today was the day following the interview with Spencer. The day following the night she agreed to go to San Francisco with Aiden. She only had enough strength to rub at her eyes with her thumb and index finger as she processed this.

Aiden assumed, by her appearance, that Ashley must have partook in some extra curricular activities after they got off the phone with each other. "You need me to get you some Aleve? Redbull?" Without waiting for her response, he walked into the attached bathroom. The sound of water running filtered out the door and into the bedroom. "Really, though... you have to get up, Ash. Kyla is meeting us at the airport. We don't want to miss our flight." He rifled through the medicine cabinet before walking back into the room. "Man... Spencer. She is looking good, isn't she?"

Hearing Spencer's name, Ashley looked up and stared at the pills and glass of water being offered to her. She was in a daze. It was as if her brain didn't want to function. She could grasp the fact that Aiden was there and wanting her to go to San Francisco. But she couldn't figure out why it was important. Why anything was important, really.

"You look really messed up. You didn't do coke last night, did you?" Aiden set the items on her bedside table.

Ashley watched as her best friend and bodyguard leaned down and picked up the alarm clock. The bed dipped beside her and she was provided with a clear view of Aiden setting the time.

Sighing, Ashley rolled her eyes and dramatically laid backwards. "I had a weird dream."

"Tell me about it on the way." Aiden removed the pillow the sluggish girl had placed over her face. "I don't want to be late."

-----------------------------------

Ashley stared out the small window of her private jet, watching LA fade away beneath smog and clouds. She internally scolded herself for the persistent thought that she was flying away from Spencer. What could she possibly do? Even if she knew where Spencer lived, she couldn't just walk up to her door, ring the doorbell and profess that she never stopped loving her. And the fact was, she really had no clue where Spencer lived. Because at that moment, she really felt like parachuting out of the plane and exclaiming to the entire world that she was in love with Spencer Carlin. As ridiculous as that would be, she would at least be doing something. Not sitting on a plane, flying to a city she despises, with a best friend who was really more like someone she hated.

Yes. Ashley had been doing a lot of thinking. The dream had been so real. She could remember every single detail. When did she ever remember all of her dreams? She was convinced that it was a sign. Something she knew that she shouldn't dismiss. And she couldn't really, anyway. Not if she tried. Her heart was wide open now.

"So what was this dream you were talking about earlier?" Aiden asked from the seat across from her as he controlled a quarterback on his Playstation Portable.

Ashley focused on his manly uncoordinated hands as his fingers attacked buttons chaotically. She wondered how she let herself end up like this. How could she ever think a life like this was preferable to a life with her best friend, her support system... her girlfriend. "I fell in love."

"Yeah?" Aiden continued to play. "Who was the lucky girl?"

The musician was really feeling her stomach turn as she watched him. He was a grown man, playing a video game, on her private plane, after convincing her to fly with him to have a quick fling with her sister. For the first time in seven years, she realized that he was in this for himself. It may have only been a dream, but she was now convinced her subconscious was trying to tell her something. "What do you do?"

"Hmmm?"

Ashley leaned forward and took the game console out of Aiden's hands. "What do you do for me?"

His eyes furrowed in confusion. "Like as a job?" The musician continued to look expectantly at him so he continued. "I keep you safe... I keep you company... I give you expert advice."

"Advice." Ashley almost spat out indignantly. She was not pleased with the cocky that last part came out. "Only looking out for what's best for me, right?"

"Exactly. Can I have my game back?" Aiden reached forward to grab the console but Ashley's knee raised to block his pursuit.

"I'm miserable, Aiden." The guy was taken by surprise by her admission. He leaned back, sensing his friend had more to say. "I'm fucking miserable." She placed her elbow on the window pain and ran fingers through her hair in frustration. "I gave you everything. Money, a house, a car... a fake job. What have you done for me?"

Feeling somewhat affronted, Aiden responded coolly. "I helped you get to the place where you could give those things to me."

"Right. It was always about you." Ashley stood up, not exactly sure where she intended to go. She figured she'd head to the bathroom. Not because she actually needed to relieve herself. She just needed relief from this idiot friend or hers. For the rest of her life.

Aiden grabbed her wrist before she could leave. "Where is this coming from, Ash?"

In dramatic fashion, Ashley tore her arm away from his grasp and sent him a piercing glare. "Where are _you_ coming from?!" If only looks could kill.

Clearly, his friend had partied a little too hard the night before. He wondered if she hadn't had enough time to sleep it off. "Calm down, OK?"

"Calm down?" Aiden nodded at her question, concerned with her instability. "OK, I'm calm." She took a deep breath and patted out wrinkles that didn't exist on her shirt. "You're fired."

Her friend laughed until he realized that she hadn't meant it as a joke. "What?"

"You made me believe that this was what I wanted, Aiden. When you knew that all I ever wanted was to be with Spencer."

"Ash, come on. You wanted t-"

"To be with Spencer." Ashley finished his sentence with emphasis.

"This is ridiculous. You have an interview with the girl and suddenly you are regretting your success?"

Ashley rolled her eyes and sat back down. "The only thing I regret is listening to you."

Aiden couldn't believe he was being blamed for his friend's inability to keep her girlfriend. "Oh whatever, Ashley. Do whatever the hell you want. But don't for a second put this entirely on me. Spencer loved you. She would have stayed with you forever. But you treated her like shit."

She knew he was right. And she would have to make up for that somehow. But right now, this wasn't about her mistakes. It was about his. "And I want you to stay the hell away from my sister."

------------------------------------------

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Ashley was only sure about one thing. She couldn't live without Spencer. So the obvious answer had to be "Yes." She said robotically. She couldn't remember a time where she had been as nervous.

"Do they even still live here?"

The musician honestly didn't know. But she had a hunch. In her dream, Arthur and Paula lived in the same home as when she dated Spencer in high school. She knew it was probably silly to rely on facts from her dream, but since she rediscovered her love with Spencer in that same dream, she wasn't going to stress over it. "No idea."

Kyla was completely ecstatic that her sister had finally come to her senses. She hated seeing Ashley as a fake, pretentious rockstar. The girl had never been the same after Spencer left her. Kyla had been friends with Spencer back then and had done everything she could to talk her out of ending things. But she knew that Spencer was right. Ashley still had some growing up to do. They couldn't have ever been happy with the way things were. She just imagined that Ashley would have went crawling back to the love of her life. Eventually. Like she had done before. But Ashley completely shut down. It had surprised her at how her sister mechanically navigated her music career to super-stardom. Never looking back. Nothing phasing her. She was the perfectly constructed mainstream musician. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"Yeah."

Kyla got out of the car and walked around to open the door for Ashley. She took her hand and helped her out of the vehicle. It would have been so much easier if the people at the magazine would have just given them Spencer's contact information. Her sister was Ashley Davies for god's sake. She didn't know that there was anything her sister couldn't get with a snap of her finger. So this was plan B. Operation Spencer's parents. She hadn't seen them in years. Naturally, Spencer wasn't able to maintain a friendship with Kyla. There was no falling out. They just eventually drifted apart. Kyla assumed it was too difficult for her to keep a connection so close to her ex girlfriend.

Ashley's gaze was unmoving. The front door had probably never felt a stare as intense before. It was approaching too quickly. As if her life was operating on fast forward. She abruptly stopped and turned to her sister. "You don't think I'm controlling do you?"

Kyla gave her a strange look. "When haven't you been?"

"I meant about the Aiden thing." Ashley had to smile a little bit at her sister's ability to be so direct.

"Oh, please. You know me better than that." She tugged on her sisters shirt to continue their progress to the door. She knew Ashley was stalling. "He was just a fun hookup now and again."

They reached the door and Ashley turned to Kyla again. "I feel kind of bad. I mean, he is a total asshole. But it wasn't all his fault."

_Knock, Knock, Knock._

Ashley was startled by her sister's knocking. She really was trying to stall.

"Stop defending him. We're better off." She whispered to her sister as they waited for whomever would appear at the door.

They heard a lock click before the door slowly creaked open.

"Ashley?"

It wasn't the blonde hair, blue eyed woman she was expecting. It was the blonde hair, blue eyed woman she was in love with.


End file.
